How To Avoid The Fizzle With A Hot New Connection
Recently I saw a client who was very disappointed that an awesome new connection with a man had fizzled out for no apparent reason…
When we explored the finer details of her story, it became clear that she’d scared him away by projecting too much too soon.
So, we started talking about this idea of reciprocity – pacing a guy based on his proven level of interest – stepping in time, not before or behind.
“But I don’t want to play games!” she said, with frustration.
“It’s not about playing games,” I told her, “It’s about respecting and protecting yourself from unnecessary heart-ache.“
A big mistake a lot of people tend to make happens when they decide they like someone because 40% of what they want is ‘there.’ They then project the other 60% which makes that person seem like ‘the perfect partner’. This is a danger zone for any budding relationship.
When we over-invest in a relationship based on how much we like the other person, things can quickly become unbalanced. This behaviour tends to put the other on a pedestal which can feel weird, particularly if it’s too early on in a relationship. And while you might think you are helping the bond grow, you’re not actually doing yourself, or them, any favours.
You may think that the two of you are an obvious match – but for some reason the other person just can’t see it! Sometimes it takes time for a heart to let down its guard and surrender to love. Your ability to respect that process with patience, is the best way to show someone that you are a worthy partner.
I get it though, when sparks fly, the mind can get excited and look for ways to lock things down. This is when people go crazy in the name of ‘love’. The subconscious craves certainty and ‘sure things’ – tempting us to live in an imaginary future with our potential lover despite the logic that tells us to keep it cool.
Keeping an eye on the reciprocity of a connection is how we avoid this, and other problems. This means pacing or matching a potential partner so that we don’t go faster than is appropriate.
The dance of love is a delicate thing; if we don’t keep in time we’ll tangle and fall, but match your partner at every step and it becomes a magical dance.
This is not about playing games. In actuality, it’s about invoking appropriate standards and boundaries.
Our standards play a key role in reminding us of what we need (and are willing to tolerate) within a relationship.
Our boundaries keep our hearts safe so our love can bloom fearlessly because the environment we’ve created is healthy and nurturing.
Bringing this back to pacing another in the early stages of dating, its also important to recognise that we can’t fall in love with potential. Often when we start to like someone, it’s too early to know who this person really is and whether or not they are worth committing to (read: able to meet our standards and respect our boundaries) – particularly if you are looking for a serious relationship.
This is why it’s so important to go slowly and observe someone’s willingness to invest in the relationship as you go. And, if they’re not showing up on your level, be willing to walk away.