As I recently wrote about here, now that so many of us are stuck at home, digital dating is fast becoming the new normal. Dating Apps are experiencing record engagement and many of their users are picking up the phone or turning on the camera to get to know their latest match.

Still, for many of us digital dating can be a daunting thought if we’ve never done it before. To help put your mind at ease, as a dating coach I realised I could put together a list of Dos & Don’ts to help you maximise this brave new courtship process.

Do: Prepare yourself for interesting conversations

You might be stuck in lockdown but that doesn’t mean your life has to become boring. Hopefully you’re finding new ways to entertain yourself – maybe you’ve taken up a new form of art or craft, or maybe you’re finally getting around to reading through those books you’ve had parked by your bed for the last year (or longer).

The problem is when you’re talking to a new acquaintance online and that situational amnesia kicks when they ask the inevitable question ‘what have you been up to lately?’

Too many people reply with ‘oh, not much,’ and it’s a cop out. Instead, here is a great opportunity to let someone into your world and become a better conversationalist in the process. As my man Joe likes to say: Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance (that’s the 6P’s for those of you who are wondering).

But how do we prepare for this question? Before you get on a call with a new potential flame, take a moment to have a think about what have you been up to lately? And of those things, what would make for the most interesting conversation?

In other words: What have you been learning about yourself and the world? What films have you watched? What podcasts have you been listening to? What ideas have you been thinking about?

These are the sorts of answers that will enable you to step out of idle chit-chat and into the realms of true bonding. So before jumping on a call, I recommend coming up with a short list of 3-4 tidbits that have been keeping you interested.

Then when you get on the call and that question unsurprisingly comes up, you can weave in at least one of your key answers e.g. ‘I’ve just been watching / reading / listening to/ thinking about ___________. Have you heard about it?’

If yes: ‘Cool, what did you think about …?’

If no: {Explain what you’re enjoying about it.}

Then ask them if they’ve been watching, reading or listening to anything interesting lately…

This is a great strategy you can repeat whether you are messaging, talking on the phone or having a video call so practice it liberally.

Don’t: Text with strangers for hours and hours

I know it can be tempting to spend hours texting back and forth with people online, but you’ve probably also had some experiences where the connection went stale really fast. When texting, it’s easy to make assumptions and quick judgments as there is just so much left open for interpretation.

This is why even pre-covid I have always suggested people have a phone call before getting too invested. And lucky for you this sort of practice is becoming more and more normalised.

The worst thing about online dating is how difficult it is to get a genuine read on the person at the other end of a dating profile. I mean, they could literally be anyone – a sleazy dude, a pre-programmed bot or even a catfish from overseas trying to steal your money.

The only way to find out who you’re really dealing with is to have a chat on the phone and then if that goes well you might go on to have a digital date sometime.

Do: Have a voice chat First.

The power of a quick five to fifteen minute phone call is massive. It provides a shortcut to connection and will save you time when sorting through your matches. After all, you could spend days messaging back and forth and still not reach anywhere near the level of connection that you can create in a fifteen-minute phone call.

On a phone call we get to hear the other person’s voice and with it comes many layers of important information. For example, are they warm? Are they playful? Are they empathetic or sarcastic? Overall, while online dating apps can be a good way to meet someone new, until we actually talk with our voices, it can be very difficult to gauge the most important aspects of a romantic connection. Often this leads us to get overexcited and blinded by a fantasy as we project our hopes and expectations onto this mystery person.

The other advantage of having a phone call before proceeding any further is that it lays the foundation for a video call. Generally, the more interactions we have with someone the more comfortable we feel around them and talking on the phone can help to reduce any anxiety levels. What’s more, it will enable you to screen out the creeps while also giving you an idea of topics you are both interested in and might want to talk about on your virtual date.

Don’t: Pry about past relationships (it’s too soon!)

I cringe whenever I hear this topic come up on first dates. Yes, it’s absolutely important information to gather if you’re eventually going to get into some sort of relationship with this person, but if you bring this up on a first date, you’re missing the point.

The early stages of dating are all about getting to know each other on a human-to-human level. It’s not about figuring out if this person is ‘the one’ or not. In fact, focusing on that can quickly kill any chemistry you might have had. After all, it’s the curiosity and the gradual unfurling of a person and their history that ultimately fans the flames of attraction.

When we go into a first date prying about someone’s past relationships, we’re likely to be sending out some pretty serious vibes. To the person on the receiving end of this, it can be a red flag that you’ve got baggage and don’t trust other people.

If we want to make a real connection, we have to go into our early interactions expecting the best of someone. It’s the old legal motto of ‘innocent until proven otherwise’ – healthy relationships can’t flourish without this premise.

Later, as the bond between you becomes stronger, the time will come when it is appropriate to delve into the past – it may even expose itself naturally. But until then, healthy relationships are built on a healthy friendship so focus on building that connection. Which brings us to our next point…

Do: Bring an energy of playfulness

It’s been said that laughter is the quickest road to connection and in these strange and uncertain times we all need a friendly face to have a chuckle with. If you can bring an energy of playful banter to the conversation, you’re likely to create an energy of good vibes that is only going to add to your appeal.

Or you’ll quickly discover that the person you’re talking to doesn’t have a compatible sense of humour (so move on).

The catch is, playfulness often requires vulnerability. The vulnerability to put ourselves out there, say silly things and to experiment. And often this sense of vulnerability can get in the way of us expressing our true playful nature (especially in the early dating phase if we’re trying to present ourselves as cool, calm and collected). Yet when we give ourselves permission to be playful – and potentially embarrass ourselves – we become more real. And real is relatable. After all, it’s pretty hard to have a genuine laugh with your guard up!

This does not mean we have to be or find someone with a stand-up-comedy-level sense of humour. What’s more important is that we enjoy our company with each other and find ways to laugh and play together in our own way.

Don’t: Approach the call like an interview

Hopefully if you’re bringing some playful banter into the equation you will be less likely to make this faux-pas. But how do we walk the line of getting to know someone without making them feel like it’s an interrogation?

This goes back to being prepared and willing to volunteer tidbits about ourselves and the things that make us tick. When we lead with our own stories and vulnerability we give permission to others to follow suit. This is a much gentler process than asking someone to reveal the details of their personal lives without revealing anything about ourselves beforehand (which leads to a somewhat more clinical exchange).

For example, you could casually mention how you were talking with your sibling or housemate the other day about X… and then following on from that a little later you can naturally ask, ‘Do you have any siblings (or housemates)?’

Or rather than jumping in and asking them straight up, what do you do for work? You can start by telling them a bit about your work and after follow up with ‘what about you, what do you do for work?’

Do: Leave them wanting more (drip feed to create intrigue)

It’s great when you meet someone new who you just seem to ‘click with’ right away. Of course, when we like someone it’s easy to fall into the temptation of staying in the moment as long as we can, but as the saying goes, often it’s wise to quit while you’re ahead.

Case in point: I remember once, many years ago, I’d formed a connection with a lovely man during a group weekend away, someone who I could really talk to. He in turn shared openly with me. We spoke for hours and hours about our past, our future, our troubles and our joy.

By the end of the weekend we practically knew everything about each other, it almost felt like we’d been together for months. As we parted ways, I suggested we meet up again – in a romantic sense. What he said in response taught me a valuable life lesson. “Maybe not… I don’t think this is the best way to start a relationship.”

I was hurt at the time, but looking back much later, I can see that he was absolutely right. Having shared everything about each other in our first meeting, there was no mystery left. On top of this, maybe this oversharing had been overwhelming. We already knew all about each other’s dreams and vulnerabilities. This rapid closeness had skyrocketed us into the friend zone, stifling attraction and the possibility of a romantic relationship.

Instead, if we can learn to drip feed and take time to let our story unfold – the good and the bad, our dreams and fears, preferences and dislikes, – over multiple encounters, we create real intrigue because there is mystery and interest along with drip-fed clarity around the kind of person we are. This approach allows the conversation to become much more of a journey as we go deeper into the layers of who we are and what we appreciate in this world. It also leaves our date with a natural sense that there is more to be uncovered.

Don’t: Stop dating!

Just because we’re at home, doesn’t mean we can’t flirt and have fun meeting interesting people. There has literally never been more interesting people sitting at home spending time online dating. It may at times feel like searching for a diamond in the rough, but the same goes for when you’re out at a bar or a party. Most people aren’t going to be right for you, some are going to draw you in and a very few have the potential to become a romantic partner and make you genuinely happy. At the very least you can use this time to hone your dating skills and practice the art of interesting conversation.