I coach women through the minefield of modern dating for a living and after 10 years working in this space, it’s clear that a lot of people are struggling to find good love.
People have thrown out the old rules of dating, hoping to build better relationships. But unfortunately for many singles, it’s only led to chaos in their love lives.
Here’s the thing you need to remember as a woman; sex is one of your biggest bargaining chips. It’s crass to say it, taboo even, but it’s true.
There’s a reason why you don’t want to be giving it away too soon.
And people will argue with this saying they’ve never had a problem with having sex too soon.
Good for them! I’m not speaking to them though.
I’m speaking to the thousands of women who feel they go unnoticed as wife material and are left feeling used by men. The ones who despite their best efforts, keep finding themselves in situationships.
Back in the day sex was a premium reserved mostly for committed relationships. Growing up in the 90s it seemed like a sexual revolution was upon us. Finally we could be free to fuck just like men. It was meant to be empowering…
But here’s the thing about your 20s. You can pretend you’re just like a man for that decade or so, but once your 30s hits, shit gets real and you can’t delude yourself any more. You have different biology and needs and that’s not something to apologise for.
Regardless of if you want kids or not, on a biological level the female body is built for fertility.
So unconsciously you know the stakes are high; you can get pregnant and that’s an inherently vulnerable experience. Get pregnant to the wrong person and your life becomes a thousand times harder than it needs to be.
Which is why the dating phase is so important! Because being courted is an opportunity for a man to show he is responsible, a good match and can take care of you.
Ideally he’s showing signs of generosity, protectiveness and a willingness to invest in you.
He’s carving out quality time from his busy schedule to get to know you.
He’s asking interesting questions and remembering the bits and pieces you share.
He’s sharing his resources with you in an effort to show he is willing to invest in you.
He’s kind, considerate and demonstrates he’s looking out for you.
If you don’t feel comfortable receiving such things, you’ll silently push the good men away.
Which raises the question, are you really serious about splitting costs 50/50 or do you just feel uncomfortable with the idea of him paying the bill?
Real Romantic Love: The Crash Course
Over the years I love to ask happy long-term couples how they met and 9 times out of 10, the story goes like this:
He pursued her. She wasn’t really sure about him at first. He persisted by showing up consistently and courting her. Eventually she realised he’s actually a great partner. They fell in love and created a life together.
That’s not settling, that’s the real-life journey of building great love.
People love to bitch about rom-coms leading us astray but in the last 15 years or so I think the general plot is actually kinda true:
Girl thinks she wants the hot suave asshole and goes about winning him over. Meanwhile her best guy friend is looking out for her. She overlooks him. He’s just not as exciting as she imagines great love should be. The asshole breaks her heart in one way or another, and her guy friend is there to help her pick up the pieces. Finally she realises that the love she was looking for was with her all along. Seeing him clearly for the kind, reliable and fun partner he could actually be to her, they fall in love.
I actually have my own theory about this…
It’s that men can fall in love at first sight. While women just tend to fall in lust at first sight.
Love comes on quickly for men because they need the motivation to pursue you. If they are lukewarm about you from the beginning, things are likely gonna stall unless you push them forward.
But when you try to micromanage things like this, you set the relationship dynamics up in a way that is not satisfying, nor sustainable. This is why I say: begin as you wish to continue.
If you’re satisfied with being the pursuer, and that really turns you on, by all means, be my guest! But for most women it feels annoying and lacklustre.
We want to be chosen, because feeling chosen feels so fucking hot! And here’s where the 3rd wave feminists get their knickers in a knot: they think “being chosen” is about playing a passive game of waiting. It’s not. It’s about doing the inner work that makes you outstanding in a man’s eyes.
The cheat code is this: you have to choose yourself first!!!
Not in a bullshit “I don’t need a man” kind of way - that’s a one-way ticket to a lonely island of isolation.
But in a ‘holy fuck it feels so good to be me! I love my life. I love being in this feminine deep feeling body. I love feeling sexy. I love feeling powerful. I love that you want me.’ 😘
Now, I am well aware of how narcissistic that sounds on this digital paper - how practiced we have become at not owning these things - but this is the vibe.
And you can’t fake it, you have to live it.
This is less about chasing false beauty ideals and more about cultivating a sincere relationship with yourself where it genuinely feels good to be in your own skin.
A lot of people seem to forget that ‘feeling good in your own skin’ starts with actually making time to FEEL.
Feel the sun on your skin. Feel the warm summer breeze on your neck. Feel how good it feels to stretch and move. Feel what it means to be alive in this body right now.
Before you lose the weight.
Without makeup on.
Regardless of if your hair is washed.
Even if you feel like an ugly mess.
Find the pleasure in this body right now and let it in!
I’m going to elaborate more on this in my next article, but in the meantime, let’s stay focused on understanding true love.
What Men Really Want
Here’s a useful truth to understand about men: in their heart of hearts they just want to feel trusted and needed.
But most women are constantly sending out signals of “I don’t trust you, I don’t need you. I’m a strong, independent woman - I don’t need no man!”
And so the good men - the ones who are actually trustworthy - back away slowly because they don’t feel seen, or appreciated.
This leaves you with the dregs of society - the ones who you SHOULDN’T trust! But unfortunately they’re the only men you really get to interact with because to them, you not trusting them checks out. So they feel like they’re in the right place when they hang around you.
Play out this cycle long enough and you start thinking all men suck.
Note: I’m using the word “trust” here a little loosely. It’s not only about the liars and the cheaters. I’m also referring to the nice-guys who become nasty because they don’t know how to be any other way. They are particularly unattractive dating options because they are people-pleasing pushovers. They mean well but it makes total sense why you don’t really want to date them. Because again, if they can’t stand up to you, how could you trust them to stand up to anyone else and protect you? Particularly in childbirth, you’ll want a man who can be fierce as a lion and advocate for you while you’re in the throes of pushing that baby out!
In my humble opinion, to truly love a man is to truly trust a man. Which is why you don’t want to dive into any old relationship without doing your due diligence. That’s what dating is for; for him to show you he is your guy before you go all in.
Over the years I have worked with many women who have escaped toxic relationships. The thing most of their stories have in common is that she was love bombed - he put the pressure on - and she committed to him too soon despite her gut telling her no.
Your gut is an important sense here. So let’s talk about this for a minute…
Learning To Trust Your Gut
There is a lot of nuance to this topic. Imago theory tells us that we are likely to be most attracted to people who reflect similar qualities to our childhood caregivers - for better or worse.
This is because as we become conscious in childhood our unconscious starts creating its own “map of love” based on what we have to do to receive love and get attention from our caregivers.
If we grew up in a dysfunctional environment you very quickly learn to fit in with those dynamics.
Which means, when you’re an adult dating and you meet someone who is just as dysfunctional as your caregivers were growing up, it feels natural to you and you’re more likely to accept the familiar bad behaviour because “better the devil you know” right?
Also, there’s an unconscious motive running the show, hoping that this time things could be different. And if you could just get this person to love you in the way you missed out on as a child, all would be healed.
Unfortunately it’s a misguided fantasy.
So there’s that. Which often leads people to feel confused when it comes to trusting their gut. Like, what if my gut is completely misaligned?
Which is why I want to offer you this:
If you’re dating a guy and it feels peaceful, comfortable and like you can fully be yourself with him, no holds barred, trust that.
Now here’s where it gets tricky…
If you enjoy your company with the guy in-person but in between hangs your mind is running a million miles an hour, questioning ‘is this it?’ and catching icks on the most trivial shit… then you’ve got to be willing to look at that.
Because the mind can be one loud motherfucker - there’s a hundred voices in your head all weighing in.
In my professional experience, trying to decode it all is a waste of time. What cuts the line is noticing how your body feels in the guy’s actual presence.
Not how you imagine it feels.
Not what you think other people might think of your relationship.
And not what you worry it might feel like in the future.
That’s all needless mindchatter.
But how do you actually feel when you’re with him?
We’re not looking for fireworks and butterflies here. Imago theory is why we actually want to avoid the 9s and 10s (I’m talking about the feeling, not how someone looks!!!). Those guys you feel instant attraction to are often your trauma beckoning to be re-lived.
Instead, we want a 7 or an 8 level of attraction. You feel calm in his presence with nothing to prove. His hugs feel like a warm bath. You can relax in his company and share laughs easily. From here you can build great love and passion.
Which brings us back to trust…
Trust feels like a relaxed nervous system.
If you trust a man, you don’t need to control him or micromanage him. You can allow him to be free, which is peace to a man’s nervous system. And when you show him that you actually want him in your life, he’ll feel needed and want to stick around
But this takes a leap of faith; a willingness to see the best in a man before jumping to conclusions. It’s not that you embrace him blindly. You just don’t write him off immediately and keep an open mind as you get to know him step by step.
This is the art of dating lightheartedly - being open to good love, while still being discerning.
Instead of walking into a date trying to see if this guy will be your person, check your baggage at the door and just focus on having a good time. Get to know him without the agenda. You’re not built to figure out if he’s your person in just one date. Give it 10 or so and enjoy the slow burn. Because playing with the tension like this can actually be so HOT!
And if he puts pressure on you to get into bed quicker than you’re ready for or make things official? That’s an answer in itself. We still want him to show sexual interest, but he also needs to respect our boundaries if we say ‘not yet’.
Now, I could write a whole other article on the ‘not yet’ and how important it is to play with that tension, but I don’t have time right now. Instead, I want to leave you with something else to consider:
In the past, when you have jumped into bed with a guy “too soon”, was he actually the one putting pressure on you, or were you really the one putting the pressure on yourself?
Most of the time, from my conversations with women we discover it’s the latter. They felt that they “should” because that’s the message we get from the modern sex-crazed zeitgeist.
Sex And The City told us to have sex on date three, but how did that actually work out for them?
IMHO, if you’re dating for fun, have sex whenever you want. But if you’re dating for love - i.e. something real, lasting and committed - clarity comes from waiting a little longer than this.
For me, the sweet spot was 8-10 dates. This gave me plenty of time to discover a man’s true colours. Plus, being able to say ‘not yet’ and dance with the sexual tension made having sex with my now-husband for the first time, the hottest thing of all!
Like I said at the top, I’ve got a lot to say on this subject so this is becoming a little series. As I was writing this so many tangents sprung up which I’ll explore in future articles. Hit the subscribe button below to get notified of future posts. In the meantime, I hope this has expanded the way you think about dating in some small way.
