Disclaimer: All responses are general in nature, not specific relationship advice.

Hi Jiveny,

My partner has been pretty silent lately, not having sex, still smiling and giving me kisses but has been saying things I would consider mean and pulling me up on things he wouldn’t usually. I tried to talk to him about it and he looked confused and did it more afterwards (this has been going for about a week). Should I give him space or try and be more loving as he’s been working hard and I feel like he might despise me a little for not having a day job while he’s slogging?

Thanks, Confused

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear this – it can be painful to have a lover suddenly pull away like that. Men can pull away when they are distracted, avoidant or still working out how to express something. However, as their partner, it can be very disconcerting not knowing what’s going on inside, right?

A good thing to remember is: if you don’t know what you did – then it’s very likely you did nothing. So, try not to take his behaviour too personally – I know it’s easy to blame yourself but chances are it’s something unrelated that has triggered this.

With this in mind, often taking our own space is the most logical answer. That way you give him a chance to ‘miss’ you. 

One reason why he might not be able to talk about it right now is because he is still untangling his feelings and wants to have clarity before he opens his mouth. See it as a way of him wanting to protect the relationship and give him some time.

Ideally you want him to come to you when he is ready. If you push him to open up before he is ready you could be pushing him further away.

In terms of taking space, stay open to receiving him in your interactions, however, don’t go too far out of your way to connect with him. When he approaches you in any way be kind and remind him that you are on his side. Often people make the mistake of giving their partner the cold shoulder after something like this and that only tends to escalate things.

Once you feel he is ready to open up, you can have a calm conversation about what’s really been going on… the key here is to lead with your own vulnerability. Rather than asking him ‘What’s been going on with you?’ start by sharing, ‘I’ve been feeling a bit confused/hurt and disconnected lately and it’s been driving me crazy because I don’t know why…’ 

I trust this helps.

With love,