Disclaimer: All responses are general in nature, not specific relationship advice.

Hi Jiveny,

Do you think it’s possible for ONE person tick all of your boxes? Or is that too much pressure to put onto one person?

Thanks, S.

Hey S, While this a short question, there’s a bit of complexity we need to unpack here… I notice that there can be a bit of confusion around what is reasonable to expect from a partner – some people set their expectations too high, others too low. For this reason, it’s important to consider what qualities are really important to you in a relationship.

Studies have shown that the most important qualities to get right for a long-lasting relationship is aligned vision and values. This means finding a partner who shares a compatible vision for your future at least when it comes to the big questions like, whether to have kids or not. 

As one wise woman once said, ‘figure out where you are going in life, then find who you’ll travel with.’

Our vision also tends to reflect our guiding values in life e.g. trust, integrity, health, personal growth etc. Getting clear on this is the first step in choosing a suitable partner.Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect one person to tick all of your boxes all of the time – we’re only human after all. And, it certainly is important to have other sources of love and connection in your life.

However if we can find a partner who ticks most of our boxes (at least the important ones) around 80% of the time, we’re doing well. So the first question you need to ask yourself is ‘what qualities are a must-have priority in order for me to feel nourished and satisfied within the relationship?’

It’s also important to reconcile our expectations with our own ways of relating. Take a good look at your standards and really check yourself. Are you living up them? And if you are, how does that feel – do you feel like you are overextending yourself?

Also consider how you can give yourself more of the love you want? Truth is, we can all   fall into the trap of waiting for external circumstances i.e. other people to make up for the love we neglect to give ourselves.

With love,