We’ve all been there: the electric chemistry, the fluttery excitement of meeting someone new, and the hope that this time, it’s going to be different. The dates are magical, the texts are exciting, and you can’t stop thinking about them. But just as quickly as things heated up, the connection suddenly cools off, leaving you wondering what went wrong…

One of my clients recently found herself in this exact situation. She was thrilled to have met someone she really clicked with, but after a few amazing dates, he pulled away without warning. Frustrated and confused, she came to me for answers.

As we delved into her story, it became clear that things had fizzled because she had unintentionally pushed too hard, too soon. It’s a common trap in modern dating—when sparks fly, we often get carried away, trying to turn a fresh connection into something more serious before it’s ready.

The truth is, there’s a fine line between showing interest and overwhelming someone. Mastering this balance is the key to keeping the spark alive and ensuring your new connection doesn’t burn out too quickly.

The Pitfall of Over-Investing Too Soon

When we explored the finer details of my client’s story, a common pattern emerged: investing too much too soon. The excitement of a budding romance can sometimes lead us to dive in headfirst, envisioning a future with someone based on just a few promising traits. But this can cause an imbalance, often leaving the other person feeling overwhelmed or pressured.

A big mistake many people make is deciding they’ve found “the one” because 40% of what they want is there, then mentally filling in the other 60% with idealised traits. This is dangerous territory for any new relationship because it can lead you to project a fantasy onto the present reality.

When we over-invest in a relationship based on this kind of excitement, things can quickly become unbalanced. This behaviour tends to put the other on a pedestal which can feel off-putting, because the reality is, you barely know each other. And while you might think you are helping the bond grow, you’re not actually doing yourself, or them, any favours.

I get it though, when sparks fly, the mind can get excited and look for ways to lock things down. This is when people go overboard in the name of ‘love’.

Keeping an eye on the reciprocity of a connection is how we avoid this, and other problems. This means pacing or matching a potential partner so that we don’t go faster than what is appropriate.

The Subtle Art of Pacing A New Connection

While you might feel like you and your new connection are an obvious match, sometimes it takes more time for the other person to see it. 

Pacing is the secret to keeping a new relationship on track. It’s about aligning your level of interest and investment with theirs, ensuring things develop naturally without overwhelming one another. Respecting their pace is a powerful way to show you’re a worthy partner, giving the other person space to meet you where you are.

Our subconscious often craves certainty, pushing us to imagine a future with this new person before they’ve even proven themselves. But when you keep an eye on the reciprocity of your connection, you avoid over-investing and scaring them away. 

This is not about playing games—it’s about setting healthy standards and boundaries that protect your heart.

Think of dating like a dance. If we don’t keep in step, we risk tangling up and falling over. But when you match your partner’s pace, it becomes a beautiful dance, one that allows love to bloom in a healthy environment, protected by reasonable boundaries that help you avoid getting swept away before you’re ready.

By mastering the art of pacing, you protect yourself from the unnecessary heartache that often comes with rushing in too quickly. Instead you can intentionally create the foundation for a balanced, fulfilling relationship. This is about letting the connection breathe and evolve at its own pace—without losing yourself in the process.

Avoid Falling In Love With Potential

One of the biggest mistakes people make early on is falling in love with potential. It’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new connection, projecting your desires onto someone before truly knowing who they are. But the reality is, in the early stages of dating, it’s too soon to tell if they can meet your standards and respect your boundaries. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, it’s crucial to take things slow and observe their willingness to invest. If they’re not matching your level of effort, it’s a sign to pull back or even walk away.

This is especially important in today’s world of dating apps and hookup culture, where the pace of new relationships can escalate quickly. The initial stages are the most fragile, with little history or trust to cushion mistakes. Moving too fast—emotionally or physically—can cause a promising connection to fizzle out before it has a chance to deepen.

I often hear feedback like, “He/she/they seemed great at first, but then got all needy, wanting to see me constantly, and it just turned me off.” This rush into romance usually stems from projecting our fantasies onto the other person instead of seeing them for who they really are. Pacing is key to ensuring you’re not getting ahead of yourself or overwhelming your new partner.

To avoid going from zero to one hundred too quickly, focus on letting the relationship unfold naturally. Allow room for curiosity and discovery, rather than trying to force certainty or commitment. It’s about building something real, one step at a time, without losing sight of your own needs and boundaries.

Are You Investing More Than They Are?

Dating is an evaluation process. It’s wise to monitor how you and your potential partner are pacing each other. Keeping the spark alive is like starting a fire — you begin with small twigs and leaves, letting it breathe before adding larger sticks. Put a log on too soon, and you risk smothering the flame.

In dating, each step forward should be matched by your partner. If you’re investing more than they are, consider pulling back to see if they step up.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

• Who initiates most of our contact?
• How quickly do they respond to messages compared to you?
• Do they reciprocate your flirting, or are they dismissive?
• Are they curious about your life and asking questions?
• Are they present when you’re together, or distracted by their phone?
• Who suggests the next date, you or them?
• Do they put effort into planning dates, or is it always you?
• Are they willing to travel to see you, or are you always going to them?

These are just a few things to consider in the early dating stages. If you find you’re investing more, pull back and see how they respond. It can reveal a lot about compatibility and their willingness to invest in the relationship.

Ready to Master the Art of Pacing in Your Love Life?