Warning, this article contains references to sexual assault that some readers might find disturbing… 

Recently Australian investigative journalism program Four Corners and Triple J Hack launched an exposé into the dark side of Tinder.

In this disturbing report several women came forward to tell their stories of how some opportunistic sexual predators have been taking advantage of dating apps like Tinder to access innocent women – and assault them.

In many of these stories there was an element of assumption where the women trusted these men based on attributes in their profile like ‘he’s a firefighter, he must be a good guy.’

Or ‘he lives with his grandmother and takes care of her, what a sweetheart.’

Making assumptions like this is totally normal – we all do this to some extent. Our minds learn to filter through the millions of bits of information coming at us at any moment by taking these mental shortcuts. It’s how we’ve learned to function in such an overwhelming world.

Yet by making assumptions like in the examples above, we can sometimes be lured into a false sense of security where we trust a stranger more than we should.

Later, these assumptions can lead us to overlook warning signs that might appear down the track.

When you’re faced with a hundred online dating profiles and encouraged to swipe left or right based on very superficial information such as looks, a short description and one’s occupation, of course we’re going to make some mistakes.

Especially when people are curating their profile to make themselves look as good as possible.

Now, in writing this I don’t mean to scare you off online dating altogether. For every account of abuse there are countless people who have used these apps safely, and many have legitimately found love. Like with all tools, the outcome lies in the care we bring to using it.

So how can we make dating safer for ourselves?

• Beware of anyone you notice showing up in your feed with different names, details or photos, but who are obviously the same person – this could mean that they are hiding something or inventing a fake persona to cover their tracks.
  
  
• If a guy makes you feel uncomfortable by making sexual advances online – particularly before you have even met – cut him loose. Even if you state your boundaries and he backs off, don’t assume he’s no longer only interested in sex. As one of the women in the Four Corners story shared, this is what happened to her. After rejecting his early sexual advances online, the buff firefighter assured her through their subsequent messages that they didn’t have to do anything sexual before she felt comfortable with it. He then went on to rape her on their first ‘date’.
  
  
• Schedule your first 3-4 dates during the day in public places that you feel comfortable going to. Often the night can come with a heavier weight of expectation to go home together or whatever else.
  
  
• I would also advise not going to an online date’s house at least for the first three dates. Current stats suggest that the majority of dating app related sexual assaults occur on the first date. With that in mind, don’t be afraid to pick the place you meet. If an online date suggests a venue that you are not sure about, give him a counter-offer. (The majority of these assaults also took place at the perpetrators house or at a location that the perpetrator suggested).
  
  
• Avoid letting someone pick you up or drive you anywhere until you feel absolutely comfortable around them. Until then, meet them somewhere public with your own transport so that you can leave at any time.
  
  
• Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at any point during a date, don’t worry about hurting the other persons feelings – take your leave! If this feels tricky to you, have a simple codeword you can text a trusted friend to call you about an ‘emergency’ to get you out of there.
  
  
• Finally, while it’s tempting to think ‘that will never happen to me’ just in case it does, keep some sort of record of the people you’re meeting online. At a bare minimum, save their name, phone number and a screenshot of one of their profile photos.

In many accounts, the most frustrating thing for those who suffered abused was that they had no ability to hold their abusers accountable. This was because once the perpetrator unmatched on the app, all their text history and access to the perpetrator’s profile details was revoked. This made it difficult to report their assault to the police as they had nothing to point to as evidence of who had assaulted them.

While this feature was originally designed to protect users from unwanted attention, it was instead being used by perpetrators to effectively disappear off the face of the earth.

This is another reason why I encourage people to move interactions off the app as soon as possible – even if you just transition to texting, or better yet a phone call.

I know some women are worried about sharing their number with a stranger but keep in mind that you can always block someone who you don’t want to interact with anymore. By moving the conversation off the app and into your text inbox you retain ownership of your written interactions, along with the insurance of having the persons’ phone number.

While most people you date online won’t turn out to be such horrible humans, if things do go wrong you have control over any evidence that could help your case.

Furthermore, perpetrators will be put off if they know that you have their phone number and/or email address which police might be able to use to further identify them after an assault.

The measures I have discussed here should be practices you adhere to like putting on a seatbelt. While driving can be risky, we don’t stop driving cars. By taking these simple precautions you can make online dating a much safer way to meet and connect with new people.

If you or someone you know needs help:

• Call 1800 RESPECT or visit their website
• Lifeline: call 13 11 14 or visit their website
• Survivors of childhood trauma can contact the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380 or visit their website
• Kids Helpline: call 1800 55 1800 or visit their website
• For more info and support around how to stay safe online, visit the Helping Survivors website here.