The fragility of intimacy

who you are and where you´ve been

the unbuckling of desire

sunlight, white sheets, take me higher

the transicence of a fleeting moment

can leave you in a state of torment

a beating pulse

that becomes and obessesion

a secret that

becomes a confession…

Relationships, sexuality, seduction and the enigma of true love have always been a natural curiosity to me. Most recently I´ve been reading about the art of seduction and reflecting on my own experiences with love, lust and attraction.

A common theme amongst all of this is love’s temptation. When a person stirs our emotions in such a way, love often calls us to surrender and lose ourself in the other. At first this can feel so right; a refreshing release of responsibilities. An indulgence in new and exciting passionate emotions where we find ourselves driven to do crazy things in the name of love. But this is loves test. She will push your boundaries, hoping not that you yeild, but that you define your position and take a stand.

I will be the first to admit, there are times when I have failed this test epicly. Failed, in the sense that in “surrending” over completely to love, I have withdrawn the greatest gift I could ever offer to a lover; me being me.

You see, you being you and me being me is the greatest gift we could possibly give to one another and a healthy relationship, however passionate, must be based on a mutual commitment to stay true to ones self. After all, a couple comes together because they liked what they initially saw in one another, no?

On pondering this truth, I’ve learned that surrendering or loosing yourself within another does not equate to intimacy. Rather, intimacy is a bond created through the transparent exploration of one anothers boundaries, coupled with the sharing of both past and present experiences.

For this reason, it is important to be conscious of the energetics involved when you approach another. Perhaps the most seductive way to approach another is with the inner mantra “I am my own person”. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of being lame prey, going out of your way to please. Instead, remember that when it comes to new relationships, we are all excited by risk and mystery and this is generated through a little resistance.

You can read Part One and Part Two here.

That night we opened the dieta. I drank a fresh cup of Bobinsana about an hour before the ceremony. It had pungent a smoked-bacon flavour to it, though certainly preferable to the rancid bitterness of Ayahuasca. The ceremony came on quick and strong. I was surprised at how Arquelis and Maria began to sing almost immediately after drinking – where as traditionally I had experienced an hour of silence in-between.

Before the medicine had even been able to set in, there was a loud crash and bang which scared the shit out of me. It was the small tin roof collapsing over the kitchen, for no apparent reason. It pushed a wave of fear through me too suddenly and I felt like a timid little creature, too vulnerable for the outside world. Maria was sitting with me beneath my mosquito net, but her voice was sharp and scary to me in that state. I wanted space from her so I moved to the other end of my bed and curled up in the fetal position.

The medicine was strong and my emotional state became quickly amplified and disorientated. One half of me was in turmoil experiencing the discomfort of sad emotions and physical pain triggered by memories of other incarnations. The other half of me was in ecstasy seeing brilliant visions of me, claiming my full potential, though I found this beauty too intense to stare it straight in the eyes. It was simply too confronting to realize how great I could be, yet how much work I had to do to get there. So I meandered between states, unsure of what to make of the situation.

As I dipped into an emotional underworld of sadness, grief and suppression, I heard Arquelis reminding me that it was okay to just focus on the beauty. In any given reality there is light and dark forces at work. The darkness works hard to get our attention; to entrance us with the belief that it has more to offer than the light. The mystery reveals itself when we realize that each force is of equal value as they are rooted in the same source.

Often I have found myself undervaluing the light because I perceive it to be too easy, too beautiful and too obvious etc. As a result, I remember being confused with my initial Ayahuasca experiences during my first trip to Peru. After all, I had heard Mama Aya had a gift for conjuring up visions of ones personal hell, and I figured it was by confronting this darkness that the real work was done. “Bring it on” I begged her, yet the majority of my experiences have been all too beautiful. That is why, to Arquelis’ mild confusion, I allowed myself to indulge in the dark side of my visions.

Eventually enough was enough though. I saw his point. My personal growth was to learn to let go of this pain, by turning my attention to the beauty that was being presented to me. This is the alchemy of our existence. To realize that in any situation, there are both light and dark forces at work and that that which we give our attention to is what becomes real.

For the following five days, we all became noctournal creatures, drinking Ayahuasca at nightfall and fighting our own personal demons until dawn. Looking back, its hard to separate ceremony from ceremony as they all melt into one another.

The days also took on a dreamlike aesthetic as the diet and lack of sleep weakend our bodies to allow the plants to take up residence within us. We’d sleep intermittently throughout the day, lazing around in our hammocks. We’d bathe in the river around midday and have a main meal of fish, roasted plantains and quinoa around two or three in the afternoon. Yep, while I am mostly vegan, I found Bobinsana – the winged, zombi-mermaid goddess that she is, to have an insatiable hunger for fish. Honestly, the fish was so fresh and tasty despite the lack of seasoning. Other than that, most of the day would be in silent contemplation.

In the early hours of the morning, when all the hard internal work was done, I’d stay up whispering to Aster between our mosquito nets, full, satisfied, and in love with life. I was blissed to my bones, reflecting on my life experiences, as most ceremonies ended with comforting visions of all the beauty I had been blessed with in this lifetime – the people, the places, the joy, the love. Though these seemed such distant memories – far away from the present reality – it reminded me of why I was here. We’d share our visions and experiences, hopes and dreams for the future, occasionally indulging in our dirtiest food fantasies (several days of a bland monodiet can really give you a guilty apetite). Aster was also an incredible musician player and in our heightened state, my favourite thing would be to listen to him play and sing his inspired songs off the cuff.

I remember one night after ceremony, watching the sky with him. There was some strange lightning and noises going off in the distance – a very curious sight, like nothing I had seen in the sky before. We mused that it was aliens and playfully discussed common alien conspiracy theories. I love a good story after all and enjoyed hearing Aster’s own conscious conclusions.

Within the hour a forceful storm was upon us and it made me giddy with excitement. I remembered storms this epic as a child, how I loved to hide under the blankets listening to the rain and hail crash down onto the roof. Everything was blowing in the wild winds. We had to hold on tightly to our belongings – even our sleeping mats beneath us. While everyone else sought cover from the storm, I felt a strong desire to meditate in the midst of it. To me, this was a divine gift and I was very much enjoying the experience. Alas, it came and went too soon.

On about day four, after a rough night of ceremony, I found myself recapitulating on my whole life. Where in the past, this had been a daunting task, I found it effortless and healing. It was as if my brain had been re-wired with such clarity. I could see how the events of my past were interconnected and how they had shaped me to be who I was today. I could identify my beliefs and fears so clearly.

Inside my head, I was speaking directly to Bobinsana and she was helping me to make the connections I needed to understand myself on a whole new level. This brought me great peace and gratitude. I remember sitting by the river, recapitulating with her, feeling things I had not, until then, allowed myself to feel. While I felt pain, hurt, fear, frustration and anger, I was grateful for this opportunity to process these emotions in a healthy and timely manner. Where in the past I hadn’t really understood how to let these emotions flow through me, here, my blood had cooled and I was able to approach my traumas from a higher perspective, with appreciation for the gifts of growth that were handed to me in the face of adversity.

Part Four coming soon.

We interrupt the Ayahuasca Experience to bring you a very simple, but important message:

The more you say no to what you don’t want in life,

The more the universe says yes to what you do want.

Don’t buy into the fear that you can’t have what you are dreaming of.

You are worthy, no matter the extravagance of your desires.

Just believe that anything is possible and work with a gentle intention.

This is where it pays to be gullible.

It came up in a discussion with a friend recently, where I examined how in school, we would laugh at one another for being “gullible” – calling one another naive and stupid. But I sense that this is really just a program put in place to set limits upon our reality. I say be gullible. If you want to let magic into your life, you can’t be afraid of appearing a fool. Anything can happen but you have to first allow the possibility to exist in your mind. Fantasise and familiarise yourself with your dreams. Know there is very little difference between your imagination, reality and the dream world. Use this knowledge to your advantage. There are always exceptions to rules, and that exception can be you. All you need to do is believe that what you want is possible and that you deserve it.

Now go, play, create. That is your life purpose after all, and remember: you’re making this all up.

So I am in South America, trying my best to get a grasp on the Spanish language and a little girl starts talking to me. After using up my limited stash of words with a little small talk, I ask my friend “How do I say I don’t know in Spanish?”

“Why do you want to say that?”

“In response to her…I don’t know what she’s saying…” I justify.

“You can say I don’t understand, but to say you don’t know isn’t actually true…”

“What do you mean?” I pushed.

“People love to say I’m sorry and I don’t know… they use these words as a crutch,” he pointed out to me. “It’s extremely devaluing of yourself because even though you may not mean it, every word you speak has power.”

This got me thinking a bit more about language and suddenly I am all too aware of the words that slip out of my mouth which essentially disrespect my self.

Curious, I decided to explore further some of the common phrases English speaking cultures use, which essentially limit us from recognizing ourselves as amazingly capable creatures.

After all, language is not only an expression of our inner world, but it also acts as our primary filter of our experiences. It shapes our thought processes and is an essential tool in understanding how a culture, or individual, interprets and relates to what we call “reality”. Fundamentally, the spells we weave with our words have a profound relationship to personal empowerment.

Perhaps the most common phrase I tend to misuse is “I’m sorry.”

But, am I? Really? Why?

Sorry is a very powerful word that has been engrained in my subconscious mind since childhood indicating that I have “done wrong” and sincerely regret. Knowing the subtle power of the subconscious mind I’ve come to realize that in saying “I’m sorry” without reason, I am polluting my internal space with the idea that I am “not good”.

Yet, these words escape my mouth too often over trivial matters. Like, when I accidently brush shoulders with a stranger. I’ve since decided that I really want to say in such cases is, thank you or Aloha – a cheerful hello to my fellow life-walker (and no, I don’t care if they think that I’m strange).

Another example is when I find myself beginning an email with Sorry about the delayed response… The question is, why? Am I just saying it to sound good? Who am I trying to please? It’s important to recognize that in doing this, I program myself to feel even guiltier whenever I do not respond to emails immediately… After all, the internet is great, but I have a life offline too!

In other cases, for instance, when I get caught deliberately breaking a rule that I genuinely have no respect for (e.g. lying in the grass in a park, despite the “prohibito” picket to my right… but sir, the grass was practically screaming to be loved…).

Here, I feel that excuse me, pardon me or forgive me is a far more accurate expression of my being. By using these phrases with intention, I can acknowledge the fact that I am doing nothing wrong so long as my actions are in accordance with my own morals. While I know this now, I notice that sometimes I still suffer often from the sense that an apology is in order.

This need to apologise, when no real harm has occurred seems to me to be a conditioned cultural illusion that encourages us to seek confirmation of our choices. Alternatively, by saying “excuse me” I am able to extend an invitation to the offended, so that in “forgiving me” they may share a more functional relationship with me.

Of course, sometimes a real apology is in order, which is why I want to keep “sorry” sacred and honest. I particularly adore the Spanish way of apologizing with the phrase lo siento (which translates to “I feel it”). I love this because it encapsulates a richer awareness of our collective interconnectedness – recognizing that when real harm is done, the wound is felt by all involved.

So I’ve returned to Amazonia and I’m loving jungle life. One thing that I am really curious about here is the shamanic paradigm of superstition that surfaces here in the context of shamanic work. Here, one must be careful in choosing who to work with as there are many stories of fake shamans and brujos (dark sorcerers) taking advantage of people with black magic.

This got me thinking a lot a about what white and black magic actually is…

In my mind, the difference between “white” and “black” magic is simple:

Black magic almost always asks one to prove themselves – to sacrifice something as an offering. To recognize the “great power” of external forces and kiss their feet. Often this requires precise, complicated rituals – and a lot of dogma.

In contrast, white magic asks one to prove nothing. It works on the assumption that we are all worthy of alchemy as we are all one. Of course there is still ritual, but it is born out of a desire to show respect and gratitude to the magic at work. Like the gift economy of the old world, one does not have to sacrifice anything to make an exchange. Rather, there is a sense of karmic knowing that there are no debts.

For example, if I give you something, you might not be able to give me something in return right away, but you might give X something (s)he needs tomorrow and a week later, I might need something from X. In this way, the exchange takes on a circulatory formation.

Recognizing this, I see self-doubt to be a form of black magic, that is conditioned throughout our modern society as an effort to keep us locked in our sub-human form. This program works on the premise that one needs to prove oneself to be successful.

From my personal knowledge, I know that it is totally possible to succeed without the experience deemed necessary to confirm talent or skill. We humans are amazing creatures, with an even greater untapped potential.

As I look around at my own reality, I can already see clues eluding to my full potential as a cosmic human being. I watch my thoughts noticeably influence my reality – almost instantaneously. However, I can also see this self-doubt program of unworthiness runs very deep in both my own, and the collective consciousness. This self doubt is a powerful spell that encourages me to second-guess myself, resulting in a sense of  unworthiness when invited to reclaim my full potential – often on a subconscious level.

It’s time to break free.

As David Wolfe notes, “many people think limited, negative thoughts because they think they have to.”

To reclaim one’s true self, in any moment two questions should be asked:

1) Who is my highest and best self?

2) Are my choices in this present moment a true reflection of this image?

By contemplating this, I give myself permission to myself to authentically express the full essence of my being.

As my friend Ray Nedziak, once wrote in a poem:

“We have wings to spread and the urgent terrain of fear to cross.”

I dive far and deep into the swimming pool and resurface beneath the sun. I’d rather be swimming in the wild somewhere, where the water isn’t treated with chemicals – somewhere that I don’t need to worry about being found naked in my own backyard by another family member or a gardener.

Its not so much the fact that they might see me naked that causes me to be concerned – I am quite comfortable in my earth body alone or with others. No, it’s the fact that other people make it weird. I know this because I’ve been “caught” before – I laughed while they blushed and backed away, afraid to see me exposed as human – just like them. I long for the day when there is sufficient  context in our society so that a naked body does not need to be sexualized.

I look at the artificially clear water and laugh at yet another example of our culture attempting to control our environment. We swim in swimming pools so we can see the bottom; so we can know with certainty who or what we are swimming with. So we know for sure that we won’t be attacked by a shark or stung by a jellyfish because we don’t really know how to share our space with other wild animals. Such an upbringing led me to fear swimming in natural environments for far too long. Exposure was the only remedy.

This brings me to fear.

Fear is incredibly attractive, just not in any way that you’d want it to be. It’s magnetic in the sense that it’s fueled by our thoughts and emotions which are key ingredients for manifesting. But what is the purpose of fear being so damn creative when it ultimately leads to pain and suffering?

It’s as if Life is challenging us, whispering: live through this, as we are bought to face our fears, one by one.

Life’s message is simple: There is nothing to be afraid of. By experiencing our fears first hand, we are given the opportunity to realize that pain is never as debilitating or painful as we tend to expect. As the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali state, if you are not your mind, nor your body, who feels the pain?

With this in mind, both fear and pain become potential keys to seeing through the delusionary nature of the everyday world. Yet, the more our culture seeks to control our environment in an effort to minimize the risk of pain (as if it could ever be separated from life itself) the more our fears become augmented and attractive.

Fear breeds tragedy, yet with fear, we are shown not to fear.

Last week I shared with youDavid Deida’s metaphor of the stained glass window.

Running with this theme, I’d like to explore with you how this theory can be really useful when applied to our relationships as a form of “energetic yoga”.

But first, it’s important to get a grip on the illusions and delusions we tend to fancy ourselves with when new relationships are manifesting.

For example, how many times have you found yourself placing a potential lover on a pedestal?

I know I have. I’ll catch myself thinking things like he’s so beautiful, perfect – whatever – while me…well, I’m probably not his type.

In this mindset I watch myself become small as I try to remain incognito, avoiding eye contact etcetera. I tell myself that when I am “fixed” I can be with someone like him, but until then, I have a lot of work to do.

I think it’s pretty common to put potential lovers on a pedestal like this, neglecting to recognize that while they may be beautiful, fascinating and appear confident – they are just like you and I – human, with their own fears, flaws and insecurities.

As the saying goes:

The biggest mistake we can make is to compare our own insides with another’s outsides.

We ALL doubt ourselves from time to time. No one is flawless and as long as we are living and breathing, we all generally seek to evolve and grow beyond our present state. This is life’s innate beauty – it’s strange and imperfect, and somehow incredibly endearing.

Knowing this, Deida’s notion of “spiritual practice” can be a very liberating tool as we allow ourselves to share in the humour of our varied forms – as we are.

Here, the trick to relating with one another is not to untangle one’s self completely. But rather, to find a way to project the knowing I am light through every cell of one’s own contorted shape as a gentle invitation from one human being to another.  This is a particularly useful practice during those moments where one may not feel so strong, interesting or beautiful

It’s kind of like psychically saying “Okay, I’m not perfect, and chances are you aren’t either, but despite my flaws, I am also fucking brilliant and I got a lotta love to give – do you want some?”

I am incredibly curious about this kind of “energetic yoga” which I have found to be so mysteriously effective in attracting – not just the opposite sex, but new friends, mentors and experiences.

Know this, there is beauty in dysfunction and attraction in acceptance.

Passion by =lucid-light

I’ve been falling in love with the cosmic teachings of David Deida all over again. If you’re not familiar with his work as the shaman of romance, then get familiar here.

One message that particularly sticks out in my mind is his metaphor of the human condition using the analogy of a stained-glass window. Here, Deida describes the differences between therapy, yoga and spiritual practice.

Allow me to walk you through it.

Imagine that you are a stained glass window, and as you come into consciousness, you look down upon yourself as you try to determine what you really are.

Now, unfortunately from this limited perspective, you can’t see the whole beauty of your form. Instead you find yourself focusing on all of the mismatched shards of glass – some with cracks and gaping wholes. As you examine yourself you come to the conclusion “oh-no! I’m broken…” and with this realization, the ego leads you to believe that you need this or that to be better, whole and complete.

This is the definition of therapy, where we look at ourselves critically with a view to “replace the glass” by learning the psychological skills needed to better function in our society. Of course, therapy is a completely valid viewpoint and an important journey to take as we each endeavor to evolve and grow into the highest expression of our human potential. However, it is also important to remember that this is not the whole picture, nor the ultimate solution to one’s suffering.

In contrast, yoga is more like “wiping the dust off the glass”. It is an art form. [And how often does great art arise form the twisted and chaotic?] Rather than seeking to fix the parts of you that are “broken”, yoga demonstrates how to move energy through form, so that we may flow with life more easily. In truth, one can be entirely dysfunctional psychologically, and still do good yoga (and many yogis are).

Finally, spiritual practice can be summarized as realizing that you are both the stained glass window AND the light that shines through it. In these moments of enlightenment there is very little motivation to “fix” yourself. One can be contorted, broken, blocked and flawed and still realize that they are essentially light – and that is a humbling notion.

This third point of view is an incredibly powerful tool, as it allows us to stop putting life on hold, hiding behind the excuses of “I’m not ready yet” or “once I have this, I will be enough”.

As we learn to identify with the bigger picture – embracing the full glory of our being, flaws ‘n’ all, we can begin to live the life we have always dreamed of NOW, whilst simultaneously embarking upon our therapeutic journey.

How to be humble? As a musician and an artist I’ve been exploring how to perform my art in a way that allows me to fully self-express my work from a position of humility. Here are my observations on the journey…

To be humble is to do your best with a smile.

It’s to make yourself vulnerable as you share yourself with another.

It’s to share your art without holding back.

I hope you’ve witnessed a truly humble performance in your lifetime. The way it pulls at your heartstrings and invites you to melt into the present, knowing that this is it – the divine manifesting – right here, right NOW.

That is how I feel when I witness my favorite artists performing anyway.

Regardless, somehow I had adopted the twisted idea that being humble was more about being modest. That is, in the deluded sense that I should “dim my light”.

Don’t you be too good, clever or impressive now – you’ll make other people uncomfortable… seemed to be the implicit message.

It took me a while to figure it out, but I’ve decided that being humble is actually about shining your light REALLY bright. Full power. Burn baby burn.

After all, it is by being comfortable with oneself and our talents as individuals, that we are able to give others permission to develop their own talents and shine.

None of that “But who am I to be so shiny?” bullshit.

Whatever your talent, it is your gift to the world, and consequently, your responsibility to share it fully with others, as a reminder of the inherent divinity that lies within all of us.

Fear might try and restrain you, sure, but experience will tell you that fear is a liar with a convincing tongue.