LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

You can read Part One here.

I had my heart set on working with a curandera (female shaman) from the beginning, but they seemed to be hard to find these days. Nevertheless Aster and I went hunting. After meeting with two or three, we invited Maria to join us on our journey with Aquellis, thinking it would bring balance to the masculine and feminine energies of the dieta.

Maria is a strong jungle woman. She stands about 5ft tall yet has a jaguar edge to her that is not to be reckoned with. More than once Aster and I were astounded by her seemingly superhuman strength as we watched her carry huge buckets of water from the river to our campsite, obediently balanced on her head without the aid of her arms.

Originally we set out to a shipibo community south of Pucallpa, taking a three hour car ride along the narrow winding dirt roads into the jungle. There were five of us crammed in the tiny car together: the driver, Aquellis, Maria, Aster and I. We stopped to get some food along the way and I cringed to see Arquellis carelessly toss his plastic rubbish out the window as we drove on. Here is a man who shares a very deep connection with the plants, yet is so oblivious to the impact of his waste. Sadly this is a common theme throughout the third world.

When we arrived the sun was beating down strong. Upon leaving the car we walked into the chakras for about half an hour before coming upon a clearing. This would be our home for the next few weeks.

It was a humble abode; a simple thatched roof (no walls) over a dirt floor with chickens and dogs roaming free. Just outside the “hut” was an open fire and to the right of that was a simple wooden bench supporting two big buckets of river water. This was our kitchen.

Take a short walk down yonder and you would meet the river, which was abundant with fish. This was where we bathed daily, taking care not to disturb the sting rays or Yacamama (a giant water anaconda – the guardian of the river). Alternatively, behind the clearing there was also a lake, covered with pretty lillys but we were told this was also home to caiman crocodiles.

I remember feeling anxious when I first arrived, shocked at the simplicity of the situation, to think that this would be my home for the next three weeks. I calmed my self promising that I would get through so long as I took things second by second. Besides, I’d lived in simpler situations before, camping in the wild. I guess what really struck me was the fact that this was how these people really lived every second of their life. They didn’t have a fancy house to go home to when shit got too real. This was it.

We strung up our hammocks and set up our beds beneath mosquito nets, taking refuge as dusk claimed the day. For after dark, it was near impossible to find peace from the biting bugs outside.

The following day we rose early to collect the Bobinsana needed for my dieta. It was a three-hour boat ride upstream. Note: this “boat” was essentially a precariously balanced canoe with a motor tacked onto the end of it. There was no shade and the sun was hot. Both Aster and I got a little burnt with our white gringo skin, but other than that, it was an enjoyable ride as we sat in the hull eating watermelon and papaya.

Eventually we came upon a beautiful old Bobinsana tree, rooted by the river’s edge. Together we harvested roots, leaves and bark. The roots and bark were later boiled for hours, reduced into a thick, pungent tea. I drank this morning and night for the duration of the dieta.

On the way back we stopped at a little beach for a swim and Arquillies cast his net, reeling in over a dozen fresh fish with each throw. The fish were then gathered in the hull to be scaled and filleted by Nei, a seven year old local boy.

On the way back we got into a discussion with Aquellis about spirit guides and Ayahuasca visions. Aquellis spoke of his own spirit guide taking the form of a brilliant white Pegasus. He asked me about mine and when I told him I hadn’t quite found one yet, he asked me what I would like. I laughed at the idea of being able to shop for such strange and mystical creatures, but  thought about this playfully for a moment and envisioned a tiger with the rainbow wings of a macaw parrot. “I’ve always had a connection with Tigers… but I also have a thing with birds and want to fly…then again, maybe I just want the rainbow wings,” I confided. “I’ve never seen one of them,” said Aquellis. Aster and I laughed about this, but Aquellis was serious. “Very well, I will find this for you…” he said, looking pensive.

The next day he came to me with the excitement of a child on Christmas day. He was holding a special vine he had collected during his morning walk. “This, will give you wings,” he told me. It was a “bat wing” plant (though I can no longer remember its native name). He showed me how beneath the little wing-like leaves were little claws, like that of bats.  By afternoon he had made it into a thick ointment to be rubbed onto my back before our Ayahuasca ceremony. “If we do this 3-5 times, you will have wings by the end of the week.” I was open to his mad train of thought, so I gave it a go.

Read on, Part Three Here…

ayahuasca experience

Finally a moment to break this writing hiatus…

As you can imagine, a lot has been going on in my life. Its crazy to think that only three weeks ago I was living deep in the Amazonian jungle, doing dieta with a shipibo shaman called Aquellis. This was the most intense and revealing experience of my life and I am dedicating the next several posts to sharing the experience with you in detail.

For those of you who don’t know, a dieta is an ancient shamanic initiation in the Amazon which involves dedicating oneself to a non-psycho active “master plant” for a set period of time. During this time, contact with the outside world is minimized, often causing subjects to retreat like hermits into the deep jungle.

By eating a very bland diet, without the use of any sugar, salt, spices or other stimulants, the body is weakened, allowing the spirit of the plants to transpose itself into the human body. Thus a relationship is formed and a mutual exchange of alternative experiences between plant and man is shared.

Traditionally shamanic apprentices would do a dieta with a particular plant for 1-2 years. These days however, subjects are able to do dieta from anywhere between a week to a year. During this time Ayahuasca is traditionally taken 2-3 times a week (or more) and works as the translator or mediator between the master plant and the initiate.

This time, I chose to diet a master plant called Bobinsana, which happened to be the first plant that caught my eye when I first arrived in Peru. I took it as a sign and Aquilles later confirmed that B. had indeed invited me.

Bobinsana grows by the waterside with beautiful white/pink blossoms. To me, her spirit is a winged siren – a gorgeous (sometimes sharp toothed) mermaid with a fiercely protective mother energy. This is contrasted with the friendly playfulness of some childlike fairy creature. She works deeply with ones emotions and opening up the communication channels with the precision of a hummingbird.

This being my second trip to Peru, I found the dieta to be a very interesting and rewarding way to deepen my relationship with Ayahuasca. In particular, I found that my journeys felt much more focused on healing and letting go of past traumas and my visions were much clearer.

Finding the right shaman was essential of course, and I was lucky to have had a lot of the searching done for me by my good friend Aster who had arrived in the jungle a month prior. Considering the amount of Ayahuasca tourism that goes on in the Amazon these days, it can be difficult to find a legitimate shaman of pure intentions.

Our shaman, Aquilles, was a kind hearted man in his mid forties. He lives in the small town of Yarina Cocha with his wife, children, two daughters in law, grandchildren and a couple of young orphans they adopted from the streets. Altogether there is 21 of them, who share the dirt floor of their humble four-bedroom home.

What instantly struck me about him was his authentic generosity as he kindly opened his home and heart to us. Unlike many of the other shamans competing in the area, he encouraged us to pay him by donation after covering the expenses of our trip. This is unique considering how many mouths he has to feed and how money hungry the society is out there. Amidst pollution and overpopulation there is a lot of struggle to make ends meet in the “city”.

I first met Aquilles in a feverish state after arriving in Yarina from Cusco. The cold of the mountains had taken its toll on my immune system and I had contracted some parasites which left me in a cold sweating fever for three days. During this time he and his wife visited me day and night with medicinal plants and with their aid I recovered quickly.

Before heading out for our dieta, we spent a week with his family in town as Aster and I organized what was needed for our trip. This included finding land, transportation and gathering enough food and plant medicines (including Tobacco, Ayahuasca and Chiddy Sanagoe) for the duration of our stay. During this time we’d often go over to his home for dinner and his children and grand children would always greet us warmly, running towards us with hugs.

We celebrated his birthday that week and it was brilliant to see how similar things were to my own life back home. Family members gathered at his house to eat, drink and be merry. Speeches were made and children laughed and played chasy in the background. Despite the differences, it was humbling to recognize the cultural similarities of a family coming together to celebrate the life of a loved one.

…To be continued…Part Two coming soon…

My body is a blank canvas.

Language is the paint and my mind is the artist.

Animals, plants and objects may be art but language is not their medium.

They are more like sculptures, as my words have no effect on them.

In contrast, language has the power to influence my own form dramatically.

I am who I think I am (or perhaps even more accurately at times, who I fear I am) as my words and actions manifest my thoughts.

In lieu of this, I’ve been thinking about how my own self-doubt is the only thing that separates me from those who I feel inferior to, or inspired by.

Sadly, I tend to augment my own self-doubt with the language I use to define my perspective.

It has been said that life mimics art just as art mimics life. In every moment, conscious or dreaming, we’re telling ourselves a story, and the stories we tell ourselves develop our character. In short, we’re writing our reality and it all starts with the language we use.

Delving a little deeper, I’ve observed how commonly we refer to ourselves in the third person when speaking of our own thoughts and feelings (I’m doing it right now in fact).

It’s a curious thing…

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), psychologists explain the importance of using “I statements” when expressing oneself. That is, using I instead of we. For example, I should say: “I’ve observed how I commonly refer to myself in the third person when speaking of my own thoughts and feelings”.

I statements force the speaker to take responsibility for their own perspective rather than attempting to suppress and disguise it as a collective issue or agreement. This negligence of responsibility inhibits real change in the name of fearless self-development as we program ourselves to think that our issues are not really ours (when they are). After all, change starts with the individual.

Granted, there are collective issues and agreements that pervade our reality, where it is entirely acceptable to speak in third. However, let us consider how speaking in third person limits the human experience.

When I take responsibility for myself through conscious speech (using I statements) I liberate my being as I validate my own personal point of view. In contrast, when speaking in third person, I neglect to own my thoughts and feelings, sending the sub-conscious message that its not really my problem, and, more destructively, that I do not have the right to feel these things as an individual.

Using I statements also prevents the speaker from imposing their reality on to the listener. I’m sure you’ve heard people describing their own unique experiences with travel, yoga, skydiving, Entheogens, or whatever else, as if their experience was definitive. They might say: “You’ll love it, it’s so amazing, when you get there, this happens and then this happens and it feels like this…” etc.

This is my issue with religious fanatics as texts such as the Bible are really just stories of other people’s experiences with source. By passing them on with the seriousness that we do, we prevent one another from being present and experiencing our own sacred stories of life, source and reality.

Sure there is truth and wisdom in each story – but rather than taking them on as gospel, its important to recognise that there is no definitive guide to life’s mystery outside of one’s own mind.

Personally, I think story telling is a good, natural and beautiful aspect of being human. However, to be responsible speakers and storytellers we need to be clear (for our own sake and others) that our personal experiences are uniquely ours. We may find others who have similar experiences, but that is still no cause to attempt to portray them as a definitive example of what it means to be alive and kicking.

Now, I realise I am being somewhat hypocritical with the tense I have written part of this article in. Granted, third person is a hard habit to break and I am still exploring how to incorporate it into my writing. However, “babies learn to crawl before they learn to walk” and so I am still working on it as I invite you to join me.

Fearless self-development.

It’s an infinite spiral staircase, with no real beginning and no real end.

The infinite can be both overwhelming and liberating.

When recognized, it forces us to accept wherever it is on the staircase we are.

It brings us to stop ‘trying’ to get somewhere and instead, embrace the present moment.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles as I find myself making the same “mistakes” over again. The scenery is the same and the incline is subtle. I wonder why life has brought me back here. “I thought I was beyond all this,” I say to myself, frustrated.

I forget that the journey is the destination.

A spiral is a symbol of evolution. It’s in our DNA. Sometimes we need to experience that which we are not in order to know that which we are. Often, this involves trying things over and over before we fully come to realise what serves us and what ultimately does not. Evolution is a process. It takes time and patience, but most of all, courage.

Courage, to expand and to move beyond that which is already illuminated.

Courage to question our conditioning and let go of turning to external sources for guidance.

Courage to surrender to the unknown.

Courage is where the ascension begins.

Society has its shortcuts. Most of the time we are conditioned to delight in the preferences of the majority; we are encouraged to fit in and to play it safe.

When we decide to climb the staircase of fearless self-development we become great explorers. We open to life and seek new experiences to reflect on. We also take notes as we discover what weakens and what strengthens our connection with our soul.

Eventually you find yourself ignoring the external triggers that led you away from your soul to begin with, recognizing them for what they are: just other people’s preferences.

This is the art of “self-discipline” – finding the confidence within to discriminate between your truth and others.

Now self-discipline can be quite an interesting topic. Often we tend to associate it with restraint/deprivation/sacrifice/missing out/ and saying “no” when what we really want to say is “yes”.

But, I’d like to offer an alternative view as defined be my friend Laura:

“Self-discipline arises in response to recognizing and desiring to seize your own divinity.”

“Any experience which makes you feel like such-and-such a sort of person is by default an ego-based experience as it is something which traps you within a cage of self definition.”

- Unknown

If you subscribe to the egoic view of life – that you are in control of your experience (rather than God or fate) – one must come to accept that they have created all their suffering and all their struggle. This then provokes the question: Why?

Well here’s the thing: I know that by anyone’s standards I lead a blessed life. I am lucky to live in such a beautiful country, in a beautiful home, with a family that loves me and a solid group of amazing friends. But who would I be if my ‘blessed’ external experiences were all that shaped me?

It is the struggle in my life that has led me to remember myself; who I am and what I came for; what I have and what I ache for.

Adversity is our strongest teacher. Many others have experienced physical adversity, leading them to grow and evolve. Many who were faced with external adversity also looked at me saying that I had it too easy.

Feeling dislocated, I unconsciously created pain and suffering for myself in order to fit in. But the divinity of the situation goes deeper than this. While at first it did just appear to grow from the desire to belong, I can now expand to see that it was also always about having the experiences I needed to push me to grow.

On that note, I know that many spiritual beliefs preach that suffering is unnecessary. And in a way it is unnecessary – as in, it’s a choice of perspective. But this does not mean that suffering is not an important part of the human experience. Rather, suffering offers a divine platform of self-realization– a challenge to which the accomplishment of passing through adversity provides the reward of remembering who we are and why we are here, which ultimately feels euphoric.

We see this reflected in the stories of many great leaders; that their ability to live a life of integrity and wisdom is often the result of their own encounters with adversity – external and internal. Because without the struggle there is no challenge; no risk; no game; no fun and no opportunity for expansion.

“Two people in the same location experiencing chaotic events can have vastly different emotional responses.

While one person might be paralyzed with fear, anger, and resentment, the other person might experience the moment as humorous.

He or she “gets” the cosmic joke, which is the sudden and unexpected realization that the reality everyone experiences as “real” is nothing more than the fabrication of their own minds.

When chaotic events disturb the status quo, a doorway briefly appears, an opportunity if you will, to jump upward in consciousness, to wake up from the dream spell.

But waking up from the collective dream only occurs if you are prepared to step across the threshold.”

- The Hathors >> Read more about this here.

Going through my notes from the temple, I was struck with a deeper understanding of the fear I was confronted with during my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I remember the profound déjà vu, and how I was disappointed with the realization that I was all there is. I felt alone despite all of the parts of me that I had created on this earth in order to address this sadness.

I felt my loneliness echoing around me, bouncing off the harsh truth of what it means to be absolutely everything; the reality that illusions are, at the end of the day, just illusions. This was the birth of the purest desire to create separation, others, playmates, a distraction from this lonely hell. And while we, The Source enjoy our self as we exert our creativity in the formation of this universe, there is still loneliness at the end of the day.

We, God, are an island, surrounded by no-thing-ness; a blank canvas for creation. An orphan.

Alone we play all the parts, creating the illusions of others, orchestrating the story of humanity like a child creates their own world as they play with their dolls, producing a range of characters and drama. And we are addicted to this insignificant game of life, the amusement it provides and the satisfaction we get from experiencing the spectrum of all life has to offer.

At this realisation, I laughed at myself for wanting or expecting to ‘get somewhere’ or to attain enlightenment through rigorous spiritual practice, because in this omnipresent state it was clear to me that living as a human was much more exciting than the world beyond. [I note that there are some very beautiful places to visit beyond ‘reality’ and that spiritual practice can be very fulfilling when done from a place of enjoyment rather than duty, guilt or obligation, however, it is our human perspective and the contrast of our earthly lives that makes these other worlds so alluring in the first place.]

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* I use the word God here as spiritual shorthand to describe life, love, the source, the universe, existence, the soul or whatever else you believe in.

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas  reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that willchange how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.“

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.

- Words by Danielle LaPorte, Author of the White Hot Truth.

“Life in a word is change”.

Thinking about things I want to change in myself or in my life or have sought to change in the past I wonder why it can be so difficult to let go of old habits.

One theory I have is that often, we are simply too afraid of the unknown to let go of our usual routine – even when we consciously know it is not serving us.

Perhaps we fear that in giving up the familiar we are giving up pleasure – after all, to a degree our habits are formed on the premise that they will in some ways bring more pleasure and joy into our lives. We are wired to seek pleasure – consciously or not. Unfortunately this can often result in mindless over-indulgence in the pleasures of the body (e.g. food, sex, alcohol). We do so for instant gratification, ignoring the fact that more often than not, less is more.

The fact is we are a tri-part being – mind, body and soul. And when we focus our attention on only one aspect –  the pleasures of the body, for instance –  we are neglecting the other two parts of our true self. The key here is to understand that there is nothing wrong with indulging in the pleasures of the body, but it is important to find balance in life through inviting the mind and the soul to join in on the experience.

An example: When you eat mindlessly you are body focused. You are tricking yourself by thinking ‘this is pleasure’ – but really it is just an idea you have – an idea that you are satisfying your hunger. It is an empty illusion when consumed without intention.

In contrast, when you cook or buy a meal with the intention to share it with good company, or as a nourishing gift to yourself, you invite the soul and the mind to join in on the experience.

Without the contrast the road would not be worth traveling…

Lost opportuinities are what they are. But, dont dwell on what is lost my child. The world is abundant. Chances will come again and again as the circle continues to turn.

Let go of your past; the stories you continue to hold on to. You place far to much meaning on your past.

You are now.
You are here.
You are nothing outside of this moment.

Knowing this, let go of your future, (if only for a moment).
The wishing, the wanting, the restless desire that keeps you from being happy now.
Be happy now.

Life is in the present moment. The sounds, imagery, sensations, tastes and smells that surround you. You are  everything and you are nothing; a wealth of possibilities.

Understand that there is no definitive you. You are the inexplainable; undefinable because you are not a static entity.  Rather, you are an ever changing, moving, (groovin’), evolving experiencer.

You are alive and you exist. That’s about as close as you will ever get to a comprehensive description of yourself.

Embrace this truth and the freedom it entails.

For if you are nothing and everything you have no name to live up to.

So let your guard down knowing that you simply are what you are.