LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

It’s been said that there are only two true emotions we humans can ever really express. That is, FEAR and LOVE.

All other feelings are just variations on these common themes.

Happiness, joy, pleasure and peace? That’s love baby.

Hate, depression, guilt and anger? That’s fear my friend.

Fear is a common programming in society’s crusade for control and order. It is after all, a very powerful motivator that often drives us to react on impulse.

Most of all, we tend to fear the unknown and so we base our choices on past instances; favoring the maintenance of the world as we know it, over the possibility of something else and perhaps far greater.

In this way, we tend to adopt the coping mechanisms of our parents, teachers, peers etc. without much awareness.

In essence, fear drives the power of domination – thebelief in the great myth* of the jungle – “kill or be killed; eat or be eaten”.

In contrast, love has but one law: “Do no harm”.

Love is connection / Fear is separation.

Love is communion / Fear is isolation.

We can share and communicate love, but it is our fear that is inexpressible…

Because fear is our own personal illusion, while love is our common reality.

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*I call this a myth because the actual law of the wild is “take what you need and leave the rest alone” but that’s another story, for another day.

A friend recently asked me about what I think it means to be happy.

It used to be freedom.

But then I realised that we are always free – free to choose how to react to any given situation, free to suffer; free to laugh.

And that, it is actually some degree of responsibility that adds satisfaction to our lives.

So what does it mean to be happy?

Today, to me, it means to be comfortable in one’s own skin; to be your own best friend. That way you can make the best of any situation. To know thyself; to love yourself and to feel comfortable spending time with yourself and expressing your energy truth fully – that is true happiness.

If you beg to differ, I’d love to hear from you.

Namaste~

Acknowledge the state of your physical body (the sacred vessel of your spirit) as a symbolic sculpture of the life you lead.

If you love your life then why not worship your body – whatever its size, whatever its shape?

Regardless of where it fits in cotrast to society’s view of beauty and ideals, if life feels good then change your perceptions to embrace its unique perfection.

And, if life feels bad change your existence – not to meet the expectations of others, or emulate what is sold as a valuable depiction of “success”.

No, change it to meet your soul’s yearning for love, for connection, for joy, for contentment, for exploration, for thrills and  for memories of delicious moments well spent.

Because life is supposed to feel good and who could ever definitively judge what a feeling looks like?

We tell ourselves lies: “if only I was ______, then I could be happy.”

Recognise that your quality of life would actually be no better; albeit perhaps a little less weighed down by your crying consciousness and the judgement that governs these lies.

When you were a child you never thought this way.

You’ve been conditioned to believe that you are not enough and after so many years you’re now using these lies as excuses; because you would find it too uncomfortable to actually cross the finish line.

What would you do with all that power; with all that responsibility?

Ignore the lies and focus on being happy first. Then decide if what you wanted was really ever that important.

I’ve recently been learning that no matter the conditions I still have the ability – the choice – to feel good about myself…and about life. The hard part, however, is often finding one’s way through all the darkness…and letting go of the illusionsof the external world; the illusions that at times we should fee bad for ourselves…hate ourselves…punish ourselves…

Not true.

If I can find a moment, maybe once a week, to go outside and stare up at the vast night’s sky, I can’t help but feel love for this existence. Just the fact that our hearts are beating and our lungs are breathing; that we are free and alive, with the potential to experience such an array of sensations, feelings and events, is enough to fill a heat with gratitude.

The thing I feared most happened. Now I laugh; it’s not so bad.

As humans we fear as we seek to avoid pain and suffering.

But pain is a powerful teacher, and suffering is optional.

In any given moment, we are faced with multiple possibilities of interpreting the present situation.

No-one and no-thing has the power to make our lives “good” or “bad” and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

1. Retire now.
2. Understand that happiness is more important than money and money is more important than power (over). Power over separates; money is a mere vehicle and happiness is what you are truly here for.
3. Ask questions with an open and honest agenda
4. Eat when you are hungry – what you want, when you want / honour your body.
5. Don’t say “I tried” just to look like you are doing something
6. Know that being a good, decent, respectable person does not mean others will see you as weak, unless you buy into that perception.
7. Seek to tell the truth.
8. Don’t commit to engagements you may not keep.
9. Love others and let them know why.
10. Enjoy being the best “you” that you can be.
11. Be satisfied with enough.
12. Don’t complain to manipulate.
13. Enjoy your own company & make time for yourself.
14. Question the world; write your own answers.

YOU ARE ALIVE SO LIVE.

Being happy can sometimes be a wild card. We all want to be happy, but happiness can be a difficult feeling to hold on to.

My Mum (a psychologist) has recently introduced be to the philosophy of ACT therapy, which I’ve adopted and found it to be a really helpful technique in being happier on a day to day basis.

ACT points out that those who measure the pleasure they derive from life by their goals are doomed to being unhappier because once one goal is achieved their brains instantly push them to aim for another. There is no breathing space to just “be” and acknowledge what they have already achieved. This is a really important factor if one is to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

So, instead of measuring life by goals, ACT therapy encourages one to live life by your values.

Let me illustrate this concept with a personal and example:

In the past I thought I could be productive in my days by setting goals. If I managed to achieve most of those goals that day I allowed myself to feel happy. But if I did not get much done I would not feel so good about myself – feeling as if I had wasted the day.

In adopting the ACT technique, rather than planning my day around achieving these goals e.g. clean room, revise french, spend some time meditating, exercise etc. I base my daily activities around what I value in life.

And so it is:

• I choose to clean my room because I value a clean space
• I choose to revise my french because I value learning
• I choose to meditate because I value my spiritual development
• I choose to exercise because I value the feeling of stretching and being alive

Living by values helps me to stay present and live life more mindfully. If I don’t get something I meant to get done done, it does not mean that the day is a failure. Rather, I can still be happy as I know that I have lived out the day to the best of my ability as I chose to do things that reflected my core values.

This gives me more freedom to be present. Today for example, I spent a whole hour just sitting outside, sipping on tea. In the past that would not seem productive to me. But as I change my perspective, acknowledging that I found that activity very enjoyable, it becomes a valuable and worthy way of spending my time and I can be happy.

What I know about true happiness…

- It’s spontaneous
- Not always rational
- Doesn’t need to be justified & shouldn’t really be questioned
- Is not dependent on external factors unless you define it as so
- Causes you to forget about your fears, worries, shortcomings, failures and past pains
- Keeps you present and connects you with the divine

What I am certain about true happiness…

- You don’t “need” anything in particular to be happy (though some things can make it easier).
- It is not derived from collection or accumulation but rather based on being satisfied in having enough, learning more and sharing your experiences with others.
- It is found through balance across all areas in life – mind, body soul,  consciousness, sub-consciousness and super consciousness, past, present, future, work, play, passion, vices, dreaming, doing, being, changing, etc. etc.
- When I acknowledge that this moment is satisfying a previous desire I enjoy it more.

What makes me happy is…

– Knowing that I am on the right path
– Creating, being productive, pursueing my dreams
- Exercise, walking, swimming -> physical activity!
- Doing kundalini yoga
- Taking on new challenges
- Connecting with nature
- Eating raw and wholesome foods – but not overdoing it
- Reading, writing, learning more
- Exploring, being fascinated
- Sharing experiences
- Connecting with others -> good company
- Feeling inspired and inspiring others

What I don’t have that would make me happy…

– Control over/freedom from my binge eating/self sabotaging routine. Though, I do realize that I can be and have been happy despite this.
- I would also like to know more about a lot of things – like how to speak other languages, the essences of other cultures, the concepts behind other religions, a deeper understanding of the human body, how to use herbal remedies, the names of plant an animal species…& the list goes on…

I wont be happy until…

– I realize that I can be happy now. That there is pleasure to be found in this moment if I can let go of wanting more.
– I get rid of this binge-eating cycle (sometimes it feels that way).

What I know about dealing with other people’s happiness…

- Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy when another does not. And so I pretend I am unhappy – which tends to attract things that make me unhappy (a self-fulfilling prophecy).
- For the most part, if others are happy their happiness rubs off on me!

What I have learnt from books & others about happiness…

– Life is so much simpler than we make it
- It’s okay to be happy; we don’t have to suffer
- You can have it all. Unless you tell yourself that you can’t…
- You can’t judge another’s life based on your own definition of happiness – it just doesn’t work!
- When you  spend time with negative, unhappy people it can have a harsh effect on your own happiness…

What I regret about happiness is…

– All the times I have turned it away because I haven’t allowed myself to be open to it
- All the times I have sabotaged my pursuit of happiness (particularly with food) and fallen subject to defeat, becoming blue and ‘stuck’ as I have not allowed myself to move on and seek pleasure in other areas of life…
- All the times I have ignored the joy of the present moment in favour of what the future could hold…

What I believe about happiness despite my experiences…

– Happiness is defined by you
- You don’t need anything to be happy – recognize that it’s the wanting that holds you back.
- You shouldn’t have to justify why you feel good – sometimes you just do and that is great!

Final comments on happiness…

- “Sunshine all the time makes a desert” -> we need contrast (unhappiness, sadness, loneliness, discontentedness) to experience true happiness. Embrace the darkness too.
- Enjoy the moments when you are happy – don’t waste your time trying to analyze why – work to be present.
- Allow yourself to be happy, move on from disappointment, do what you need to do.

Now ask yourself!

“Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial.

If you think you can live without suffering, that’s a great step forward, but don’t imagine that other people will understand you. True, no one wants to suffer and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel justified, pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbours, god.

Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is? No, she wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy.”

(Paulo Coelho: Eleven Minutes pg.203)

I think that sometimes our society breeds us to be a little too needy or reliant on others.

We have all felt the sting of being let down or disappointed by another at some point in our lives. Often, this suffering is the result of our own expectations on the other.

I watch those who invest their time and love into one or two single people whom they feel should be a constant in our lives with trepidation. The excessive responsibility they place upon another makes their world fragile. They burden their relationships with expectations, often inspiring possessiveness and jealousy.

I made a point early on in my life not to rely on other people too much. I trust others, yes, and seek their support, but to rely on one single soul to make me happy just seems ridiculous. As a result I have made a point not to have a ‘best friend’ in my life, but rather, many good friends. This way, I have a few people to call on to come out and have a good time or a deep and meaningful conversation should one or two favourites have other plans.

In contrast, I’ve seen time and time again people latch on to that one person – be it a boyfriend or a ‘best friend’ to find themselves shattered when the relationship comes to an end.

Building a good relationship with one’s self is so important in life because we will always be present in our own experience, while it is only natural that other characters will come and go. Likewise, our role in another’s life is never permanent. This, of course, is a good and beautiful thing. It allows us to experience a whole range of different kinds of relationships, providing the opportunities we need to define ourselves fully. It also prevents us from falling slave to the definitions others bestow upon our heads. After all, it is very difficult for one to grow and develop their personality, when one is constantly surrounded by the same people.