LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

The secret to desire in a long term relationship…

I just watched this TED talk and felt compelled to share it.

“In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence…”

The fragility of intimacy

who you are and where you´ve been

the unbuckling of desire

sunlight, white sheets, take me higher

the transicence of a fleeting moment

can leave you in a state of torment

a beating pulse

that becomes and obessesion

a secret that

becomes a confession…

Relationships, sexuality, seduction and the enigma of true love have always been a natural curiosity to me. Most recently I´ve been reading about the art of seduction and reflecting on my own experiences with love, lust and attraction.

A common theme amongst all of this is love’s temptation. When a person stirs our emotions in such a way, love often calls us to surrender and lose ourself in the other. At first this can feel so right; a refreshing release of responsibilities. An indulgence in new and exciting passionate emotions where we find ourselves driven to do crazy things in the name of love. But this is loves test. She will push your boundaries, hoping not that you yeild, but that you define your position and take a stand.

I will be the first to admit, there are times when I have failed this test epicly. Failed, in the sense that in “surrending” over completely to love, I have withdrawn the greatest gift I could ever offer to a lover; me being me.

You see, you being you and me being me is the greatest gift we could possibly give to one another and a healthy relationship, however passionate, must be based on a mutual commitment to stay true to ones self. After all, a couple comes together because they liked what they initially saw in one another, no?

On pondering this truth, I’ve learned that surrendering or loosing yourself within another does not equate to intimacy. Rather, intimacy is a bond created through the transparent exploration of one anothers boundaries, coupled with the sharing of both past and present experiences.

For this reason, it is important to be conscious of the energetics involved when you approach another. Perhaps the most seductive way to approach another is with the inner mantra “I am my own person”. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of being lame prey, going out of your way to please. Instead, remember that when it comes to new relationships, we are all excited by risk and mystery and this is generated through a little resistance.

You can read Part One here.

Today I find myself back in Cusco, sitting in the sun talking of loneliness with a timeless friend. If there is one thing I have discovered about myself through travel, is that I am not the lone wolf I once believed myself to be. Yes I love my independence and would never seek to have a relationship based upon dependency, however taking a very literal leaf out of a good friends book, I’ve found great value in following the trail of loveliness, walking the road with only the most beautiful people that grace my reality. I flow with those who make me feel good and feel blessed to find kin so easily. Community is key for me these days and I am delighted to watch it develop around me wherever I go. There is only love here, and so much love, at that.

Where in the past I  have valued solitude, these days I am all too aware that it is not the places I visit, but rather, the company I keep, that brings satisfaction in my life.

I am also learning to give and give and give and give, for as I give, I create space for me to receive more and more and more and it is the transience of these gifts that grace my reality which really excites me. And people are such divine gifts, for we can only go so far within ourselves, by ourselves. I believe it is the contrast of an alternative reference point that really allows one to grow. I see my connections manifesting perfectly as I become the medicine for those around me just as they become the medicine for my own personal development. Sometimes this comes in the form of a challenge – an invitation to transcend old programming as our interactions highlight egoic attachments that it is time for me to let go of . Other times, this human medicine is in the comfort of another’s arms and as they lend their ears and mind.

As I wonder through this hall of mirrors, I also become a gift to others through our interactions, naturally providing what is needed for them to grow. In turn, I have met shiny, shiny beings who live up to Marianne William’s manifesto. They remind me to be myself without fear as everywhere is a safe place to express myself. The implicit message is, a universal truth… if you are okay with every aspect of you, then the rest of the world will be too.

They say the jungle is not feared by the saint; that pure thoughts keep one safe from harm. If this is true, it must be the same in these cities which sometimes feel colder than they really are. I am learning to accept that I don’t have a dirty mind, that my intentions are always pure and how blessed are the amoral. Everything I do is okay. Adulthood is a myth. My choices are right and there is no need to doubt myself or suppress my desires and dreams as everything I could need or want is here for me. All I have to do is trust and it is given.

Sitting in the sun, we went on to discuss loneliness as a state of being vs. an emotion. One thing I have been really learning to do is letting emotions flow through me like food and water. I believe sadness and loneliness to be fleeting emotions, rather than lasting states of consciousness. That is, unless I allow my ego to engage in their illusions. Its become a yogic practice for me to consciously not attach to such emotions, knowing how the Ego loves to personalize emotions and create attachments through stories. I want to stress that this doesn’t mean suppressing emotions like sadness and loneliness. Rather its about giving myself the space to feel these things, without justifying them with a story.

Looking back, I can see patterns in my past where I actually believed that holding on to pain and sadness was worthwhile. Like it gave me a place in a twisted world focused on pleasure, pain, loss and gain. I wore my pain like a badge of honour, as if I had “earned my stripes” to be here. As if I needed this pain and sadness to fit into a world of lost souls. These days I choose to see things differently. I notice how more often than not my mood is affected by my environment. It’s not so personal. When I  am aware of the stories my mind likes to create to make my emotional state relevant to reality, I can detatch from the emotions that I do not enjoy and allow them to fall away like water off a ducks back.

Saying that, I can also recognize the beauty of contrasting emotions and the important role they play in allowing me to appreciate the good times, which is why I am prepared to feel them fully from time to time. Lying on my back, my eyes to the sky, I can let everything be as it is, with gratitude as I recognize that I am still alive and breathing. It is moments like this that I am able to tap into amazing states of interconnectedness, where I feel that no matter what becomes of this physical body, I will never dissapear.

Sometimes I wonder how sustainable this lifestyle is and how I can make it easier and more wonderful for myself. I have my doubts from time to time but it is these profoundly familiar moments I share with once-upon-a-time strangers that reminds me that this is what I want. A life of moments like this, where I feel at home with new friends, as if we have always been together, we are meant to be together, and the spontaneity of our interactions were always preordained.

Last week I shared with youDavid Deida’s metaphor of the stained glass window.

Running with this theme, I’d like to explore with you how this theory can be really useful when applied to our relationships as a form of “energetic yoga”.

But first, it’s important to get a grip on the illusions and delusions we tend to fancy ourselves with when new relationships are manifesting.

For example, how many times have you found yourself placing a potential lover on a pedestal?

I know I have. I’ll catch myself thinking things like he’s so beautiful, perfect – whatever – while me…well, I’m probably not his type.

In this mindset I watch myself become small as I try to remain incognito, avoiding eye contact etcetera. I tell myself that when I am “fixed” I can be with someone like him, but until then, I have a lot of work to do.

I think it’s pretty common to put potential lovers on a pedestal like this, neglecting to recognize that while they may be beautiful, fascinating and appear confident – they are just like you and I – human, with their own fears, flaws and insecurities.

As the saying goes:

The biggest mistake we can make is to compare our own insides with another’s outsides.

We ALL doubt ourselves from time to time. No one is flawless and as long as we are living and breathing, we all generally seek to evolve and grow beyond our present state. This is life’s innate beauty – it’s strange and imperfect, and somehow incredibly endearing.

Knowing this, Deida’s notion of “spiritual practice” can be a very liberating tool as we allow ourselves to share in the humour of our varied forms – as we are.

Here, the trick to relating with one another is not to untangle one’s self completely. But rather, to find a way to project the knowing I am light through every cell of one’s own contorted shape as a gentle invitation from one human being to another.  This is a particularly useful practice during those moments where one may not feel so strong, interesting or beautiful

It’s kind of like psychically saying “Okay, I’m not perfect, and chances are you aren’t either, but despite my flaws, I am also fucking brilliant and I got a lotta love to give – do you want some?”

I am incredibly curious about this kind of “energetic yoga” which I have found to be so mysteriously effective in attracting – not just the opposite sex, but new friends, mentors and experiences.

Know this, there is beauty in dysfunction and attraction in acceptance.

Passion by =lucid-light

I’ve been falling in love with the cosmic teachings of David Deida all over again. If you’re not familiar with his work as the shaman of romance, then get familiar here.

One message that particularly sticks out in my mind is his metaphor of the human condition using the analogy of a stained-glass window. Here, Deida describes the differences between therapy, yoga and spiritual practice.

Allow me to walk you through it.

Imagine that you are a stained glass window, and as you come into consciousness, you look down upon yourself as you try to determine what you really are.

Now, unfortunately from this limited perspective, you can’t see the whole beauty of your form. Instead you find yourself focusing on all of the mismatched shards of glass – some with cracks and gaping wholes. As you examine yourself you come to the conclusion “oh-no! I’m broken…” and with this realization, the ego leads you to believe that you need this or that to be better, whole and complete.

This is the definition of therapy, where we look at ourselves critically with a view to “replace the glass” by learning the psychological skills needed to better function in our society. Of course, therapy is a completely valid viewpoint and an important journey to take as we each endeavor to evolve and grow into the highest expression of our human potential. However, it is also important to remember that this is not the whole picture, nor the ultimate solution to one’s suffering.

In contrast, yoga is more like “wiping the dust off the glass”. It is an art form. [And how often does great art arise form the twisted and chaotic?] Rather than seeking to fix the parts of you that are “broken”, yoga demonstrates how to move energy through form, so that we may flow with life more easily. In truth, one can be entirely dysfunctional psychologically, and still do good yoga (and many yogis are).

Finally, spiritual practice can be summarized as realizing that you are both the stained glass window AND the light that shines through it. In these moments of enlightenment there is very little motivation to “fix” yourself. One can be contorted, broken, blocked and flawed and still realize that they are essentially light – and that is a humbling notion.

This third point of view is an incredibly powerful tool, as it allows us to stop putting life on hold, hiding behind the excuses of “I’m not ready yet” or “once I have this, I will be enough”.

As we learn to identify with the bigger picture – embracing the full glory of our being, flaws ‘n’ all, we can begin to live the life we have always dreamed of NOW, whilst simultaneously embarking upon our therapeutic journey.

Is it the curse of the human experience that we may never truly experience what it is like to love unconditionally? Sure it may be possible for some of use to love an individual – a child, a pet, a lover – “unconditionally”, but isn’t that love still bound by the condition of the character we have dedicated our love to?

Is it possible to even love humanity unconditionally? To greet every stranger with love; to marvel at their own unique beauty, no matter how “ugly” the packaging may sometimes be.

I stand in awe of an apple tree, which offers the fruits of it’s blooming love so generously, without discrimination. All are welcome to receive its nourishment; no matter one’s sins. After all, did you know that the true meaning of the word “sin” is actually most accurately translated to “missing the mark”?

“Then said a rich man, Speak to us of Giving.

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the over-prudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and heir hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

And you receivers – and you are all receivers – assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives. Rather Together with the giver on his gifts as on wings; for to be over mindful of your debt is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother and God for father.”

~ Kahlil Gibran

I’d like to dispel a few common myths…

This idea that there are certain topics of conversation that are too “taboo” to discuss with others.

That in asking questions inspired by a natural curiosity, we might be seen as inappropriate.

That clarifying where we are at in our relationships with others is too risky and revealing.

That in being transparent, others will judge or lose interest in us.

No lie is harmless.
Silence breeds assumptions.
Assumptions breed expectations.
Expectations breed disappointment & suffering.

This is why it is so important in our own evolution to find our voice, to learn to respectfully ask for what we want and to express ourselves accurately.

You can ask for anything.
You can talk about anything.
And you can also neglect to talk about certain things if you feel your privacy is being invaded.

But I encourage you to acknowledge the moments when you silence yourself for fear of embarrassment and be vigilant about the assumptions you make in your relationships with others.

You can be honest and people will still love you.

After all, authenticity is attractive.

Because it is through making ourselves vulnerable that we become invulnerable as we abandon our egoic conditioning and accept ourselves for who we are and not who we appear to be.

& often it comes down to one casual conversation vs. a thousand awkward moments.

I’m learning to embrace anger – particularly in relationships.

During a sound healing at ConFest, I began to feel something foreign bubble up. It felt uncomfortable and icky.

Turns out, it was years of suppressed anger – the ancient resentment I’d hid within the depths of me as I’d somehow come to believe that such emotions were unworthy of expression.

This left me confused and shocked – I’d turned up to the sound healing to relax and to meditate. Where were these feelings coming from?

‘I’m not an angry person’ I told myself in my confusion. It wasn’t until some wise guy posed the question:

‘Really? Or is it that you don’t want to be an “angry person” because you don’t think that anger is a useful emotion?’

That stopped me in my tracks and flipped my world on its head.

‘Ooh…yeah. Maybe.’ I replied, albeit a little perplexed.

Since, I’ve been exploring the value of anger and how to express it in a healthy way.

Forgiveness is divine, yes. But to forgive fully, we must first acknowledge our anger.

I cringe at the thought of all those times I am guilty in suppressing my anger in the name of peace. I guess I hated the idea of being seen as ‘that angry bitch’.

But contrary to my own stereotype of what expressing anger looks like – it’s not about yelling, kicking, screaming or throwing a tantrum.

Rather,

It’s about feeling what you feel, without judgment.

It’s about asserting to others what you need from them (and rarely does someone get angry unreasonably).

And, it’s also about self-love: recognizing that you are worthy of more and rising above any fear of rejection – that the other will leave you for being less than compliant.

There is no excuse for other people’s bad behaviour and if we fail to express our pain, hurt, frustration or fury we fail to provide others with the feedback they need to grow.

When you express your anger in a healthy way, you’re essentially providing the other with insight – and, should they choose to listen, an opportunity for them to grow into a better person.

So embrace anger with passion. Declare your truth. Ask for what you need.

You have to risk your life to feel your life.

You have to risk your heart to feel your heart.

But when risking, you may choose to realise that you really have nothing to lose;

that you are complete just as you are.