LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

Rattle me, and my
Xylophone bones
It’s cold outside
All alone

Grandmother, Grandmother
Ancient and old
Tell me a story
Show me your soul…

The Amazon calls
A home with no walls
And now I can feel you
My creator, my maker

The purest desire
To touch with my hands
To play with the darkness
Experience contrast

So this is the joy
This is the answer
Consciously seeking
What my heart aches for.

So teach me to love
Teach me to care
Teach me to let go
Of the scars that I bear

What is it to feel?
To care what is real?
To be having these thoughts now
Unaware of their meaning

The vine of the soul
Taking me home
Embracing uncertainty,
I’m letting my guard down.

And I understand now
As you pour salt on my wounds
It stings like a snake bite,
Lying here breathing

But I am alive
In my own lucid dream
Passion like thunder
Alpha / Omega

Its time to evolve,
Live life and grow old
A thousand little deaths now
This is what I live for…

I’m aware of this life
I don’t live to survive
But because I want to
No longer an orphan

And with new awareness
Accepting the madness
I’m choosing to play now
This moment is mine.

Forget and remember
This is never ending
My truth is simple:
I am still breathing.

And it comes and It goes
It ebbs and it flows
The transitory nature
Of a life fully lived.

Going through my notes from the temple, I was struck with a deeper understanding of the fear I was confronted with during my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I remember the profound déjà vu, and how I was disappointed with the realization that I was all there is. I felt alone despite all of the parts of me that I had created on this earth in order to address this sadness.

I felt my loneliness echoing around me, bouncing off the harsh truth of what it means to be absolutely everything; the reality that illusions are, at the end of the day, just illusions. This was the birth of the purest desire to create separation, others, playmates, a distraction from this lonely hell. And while we, The Source enjoy our self as we exert our creativity in the formation of this universe, there is still loneliness at the end of the day.

We, God, are an island, surrounded by no-thing-ness; a blank canvas for creation. An orphan.

Alone we play all the parts, creating the illusions of others, orchestrating the story of humanity like a child creates their own world as they play with their dolls, producing a range of characters and drama. And we are addicted to this insignificant game of life, the amusement it provides and the satisfaction we get from experiencing the spectrum of all life has to offer.

At this realisation, I laughed at myself for wanting or expecting to ‘get somewhere’ or to attain enlightenment through rigorous spiritual practice, because in this omnipresent state it was clear to me that living as a human was much more exciting than the world beyond. [I note that there are some very beautiful places to visit beyond ‘reality’ and that spiritual practice can be very fulfilling when done from a place of enjoyment rather than duty, guilt or obligation, however, it is our human perspective and the contrast of our earthly lives that makes these other worlds so alluring in the first place.]

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* I use the word God here as spiritual shorthand to describe life, love, the source, the universe, existence, the soul or whatever else you believe in.

Imagine living in a culture where magic exists, where spirits are commonly communed with, where to understand the fullness of what is really happening all around you, you must drop all preconceptions and open your eyes – really wide.

Well, that’s where I’m off to on Tuesday; into the heart of the Peruvian jungle, to walk the line between the visible and invisible. I’ll be on an ayahuasca retreat and then off to Brazil to rejuvenate.

In the meantime I’ve been reading the incredible experiences of Peter Gorman in his book Ayahuasca in My Blood and it’s blowing my mind.

 

“The vision was a small revelation. I realized that most thoughts are impersonal happenings, like self-assembling machines. Unless we train ourselves, the thoughts passing through our mind have little involvement with our will. It is strange to realize that even our own thoughts pass by like scenery out the window of a bus – a bus we took by accident, while trying to get somewhere else. Most of the time, thinking is an autonomous process, something that happens outside of our control. This perception of the machine-like quality of the self is something that many people discover, then try to overcome, through meditation.”

– Daniel Pinchbeck, Breaking Open The Head

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gagR2_Yi8wE&w=560&h=349]

You can go to Peru to find yourself through an Ayahuasca ceremony led by a local shaman.

It is said to be an incredibly enlightening ceremony, allowing a human to move beyond their own conditioning, acomodadors, inhibitions, psychological limitations, depressions, fears, addictions and pain.

But, be warned, it is a trip which often involves going into the darkness of your psyche.

If they haven’t spent much time exploring your own internal landscape, many participants describe themselves as surrounded by infinite fear and dark satanic creatures, alone in an unfamiliar realm that even your worst nightmare would even fail to emulate.

So whats the attraction?

Enlightenment.

Healing. Self-development.

A new perspective on life.

Freedom.

This article by National Geographic sheds some pretty awesome insight on the experience.

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NB: this post was written before ever having tried Ayahuasca. In my experience, I have found grandmother Aya to be a very reasonable and loving teacher, who has led me to expand and understand myself in so many beautiful ways. You can read about some of my experiences here.

For a more diverse exploration check out these articles on Reality Sandwich.

If you are interested in travelling to Peru for healing and self exploration, might I recommend the Temple of the Way of Light.