LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

You can read Part One here.

Today I find myself back in Cusco, sitting in the sun talking of loneliness with a timeless friend. If there is one thing I have discovered about myself through travel, is that I am not the lone wolf I once believed myself to be. Yes I love my independence and would never seek to have a relationship based upon dependency, however taking a very literal leaf out of a good friends book, I’ve found great value in following the trail of loveliness, walking the road with only the most beautiful people that grace my reality. I flow with those who make me feel good and feel blessed to find kin so easily. Community is key for me these days and I am delighted to watch it develop around me wherever I go. There is only love here, and so much love, at that.

Where in the past I  have valued solitude, these days I am all too aware that it is not the places I visit, but rather, the company I keep, that brings satisfaction in my life.

I am also learning to give and give and give and give, for as I give, I create space for me to receive more and more and more and it is the transience of these gifts that grace my reality which really excites me. And people are such divine gifts, for we can only go so far within ourselves, by ourselves. I believe it is the contrast of an alternative reference point that really allows one to grow. I see my connections manifesting perfectly as I become the medicine for those around me just as they become the medicine for my own personal development. Sometimes this comes in the form of a challenge – an invitation to transcend old programming as our interactions highlight egoic attachments that it is time for me to let go of . Other times, this human medicine is in the comfort of another’s arms and as they lend their ears and mind.

As I wonder through this hall of mirrors, I also become a gift to others through our interactions, naturally providing what is needed for them to grow. In turn, I have met shiny, shiny beings who live up to Marianne William’s manifesto. They remind me to be myself without fear as everywhere is a safe place to express myself. The implicit message is, a universal truth… if you are okay with every aspect of you, then the rest of the world will be too.

They say the jungle is not feared by the saint; that pure thoughts keep one safe from harm. If this is true, it must be the same in these cities which sometimes feel colder than they really are. I am learning to accept that I don’t have a dirty mind, that my intentions are always pure and how blessed are the amoral. Everything I do is okay. Adulthood is a myth. My choices are right and there is no need to doubt myself or suppress my desires and dreams as everything I could need or want is here for me. All I have to do is trust and it is given.

Sitting in the sun, we went on to discuss loneliness as a state of being vs. an emotion. One thing I have been really learning to do is letting emotions flow through me like food and water. I believe sadness and loneliness to be fleeting emotions, rather than lasting states of consciousness. That is, unless I allow my ego to engage in their illusions. Its become a yogic practice for me to consciously not attach to such emotions, knowing how the Ego loves to personalize emotions and create attachments through stories. I want to stress that this doesn’t mean suppressing emotions like sadness and loneliness. Rather its about giving myself the space to feel these things, without justifying them with a story.

Looking back, I can see patterns in my past where I actually believed that holding on to pain and sadness was worthwhile. Like it gave me a place in a twisted world focused on pleasure, pain, loss and gain. I wore my pain like a badge of honour, as if I had “earned my stripes” to be here. As if I needed this pain and sadness to fit into a world of lost souls. These days I choose to see things differently. I notice how more often than not my mood is affected by my environment. It’s not so personal. When I  am aware of the stories my mind likes to create to make my emotional state relevant to reality, I can detatch from the emotions that I do not enjoy and allow them to fall away like water off a ducks back.

Saying that, I can also recognize the beauty of contrasting emotions and the important role they play in allowing me to appreciate the good times, which is why I am prepared to feel them fully from time to time. Lying on my back, my eyes to the sky, I can let everything be as it is, with gratitude as I recognize that I am still alive and breathing. It is moments like this that I am able to tap into amazing states of interconnectedness, where I feel that no matter what becomes of this physical body, I will never dissapear.

Sometimes I wonder how sustainable this lifestyle is and how I can make it easier and more wonderful for myself. I have my doubts from time to time but it is these profoundly familiar moments I share with once-upon-a-time strangers that reminds me that this is what I want. A life of moments like this, where I feel at home with new friends, as if we have always been together, we are meant to be together, and the spontaneity of our interactions were always preordained.

So I’ve returned to Amazonia and I’m loving jungle life. One thing that I am really curious about here is the shamanic paradigm of superstition that surfaces here in the context of shamanic work. Here, one must be careful in choosing who to work with as there are many stories of fake shamans and brujos (dark sorcerers) taking advantage of people with black magic.

This got me thinking a lot a about what white and black magic actually is…

In my mind, the difference between “white” and “black” magic is simple:

Black magic almost always asks one to prove themselves – to sacrifice something as an offering. To recognize the “great power” of external forces and kiss their feet. Often this requires precise, complicated rituals – and a lot of dogma.

In contrast, white magic asks one to prove nothing. It works on the assumption that we are all worthy of alchemy as we are all one. Of course there is still ritual, but it is born out of a desire to show respect and gratitude to the magic at work. Like the gift economy of the old world, one does not have to sacrifice anything to make an exchange. Rather, there is a sense of karmic knowing that there are no debts.

For example, if I give you something, you might not be able to give me something in return right away, but you might give X something (s)he needs tomorrow and a week later, I might need something from X. In this way, the exchange takes on a circulatory formation.

Recognizing this, I see self-doubt to be a form of black magic, that is conditioned throughout our modern society as an effort to keep us locked in our sub-human form. This program works on the premise that one needs to prove oneself to be successful.

From my personal knowledge, I know that it is totally possible to succeed without the experience deemed necessary to confirm talent or skill. We humans are amazing creatures, with an even greater untapped potential.

As I look around at my own reality, I can already see clues eluding to my full potential as a cosmic human being. I watch my thoughts noticeably influence my reality – almost instantaneously. However, I can also see this self-doubt program of unworthiness runs very deep in both my own, and the collective consciousness. This self doubt is a powerful spell that encourages me to second-guess myself, resulting in a sense of  unworthiness when invited to reclaim my full potential – often on a subconscious level.

It’s time to break free.

As David Wolfe notes, “many people think limited, negative thoughts because they think they have to.”

To reclaim one’s true self, in any moment two questions should be asked:

1) Who is my highest and best self?

2) Are my choices in this present moment a true reflection of this image?

By contemplating this, I give myself permission to myself to authentically express the full essence of my being.

As my friend Ray Nedziak, once wrote in a poem:

“We have wings to spread and the urgent terrain of fear to cross.”

I dive far and deep into the swimming pool and resurface beneath the sun. I’d rather be swimming in the wild somewhere, where the water isn’t treated with chemicals – somewhere that I don’t need to worry about being found naked in my own backyard by another family member or a gardener.

Its not so much the fact that they might see me naked that causes me to be concerned – I am quite comfortable in my earth body alone or with others. No, it’s the fact that other people make it weird. I know this because I’ve been “caught” before – I laughed while they blushed and backed away, afraid to see me exposed as human – just like them. I long for the day when there is sufficient  context in our society so that a naked body does not need to be sexualized.

I look at the artificially clear water and laugh at yet another example of our culture attempting to control our environment. We swim in swimming pools so we can see the bottom; so we can know with certainty who or what we are swimming with. So we know for sure that we won’t be attacked by a shark or stung by a jellyfish because we don’t really know how to share our space with other wild animals. Such an upbringing led me to fear swimming in natural environments for far too long. Exposure was the only remedy.

This brings me to fear.

Fear is incredibly attractive, just not in any way that you’d want it to be. It’s magnetic in the sense that it’s fueled by our thoughts and emotions which are key ingredients for manifesting. But what is the purpose of fear being so damn creative when it ultimately leads to pain and suffering?

It’s as if Life is challenging us, whispering: live through this, as we are bought to face our fears, one by one.

Life’s message is simple: There is nothing to be afraid of. By experiencing our fears first hand, we are given the opportunity to realize that pain is never as debilitating or painful as we tend to expect. As the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali state, if you are not your mind, nor your body, who feels the pain?

With this in mind, both fear and pain become potential keys to seeing through the delusionary nature of the everyday world. Yet, the more our culture seeks to control our environment in an effort to minimize the risk of pain (as if it could ever be separated from life itself) the more our fears become augmented and attractive.

Fear breeds tragedy, yet with fear, we are shown not to fear.

Last week I shared with youDavid Deida’s metaphor of the stained glass window.

Running with this theme, I’d like to explore with you how this theory can be really useful when applied to our relationships as a form of “energetic yoga”.

But first, it’s important to get a grip on the illusions and delusions we tend to fancy ourselves with when new relationships are manifesting.

For example, how many times have you found yourself placing a potential lover on a pedestal?

I know I have. I’ll catch myself thinking things like he’s so beautiful, perfect – whatever – while me…well, I’m probably not his type.

In this mindset I watch myself become small as I try to remain incognito, avoiding eye contact etcetera. I tell myself that when I am “fixed” I can be with someone like him, but until then, I have a lot of work to do.

I think it’s pretty common to put potential lovers on a pedestal like this, neglecting to recognize that while they may be beautiful, fascinating and appear confident – they are just like you and I – human, with their own fears, flaws and insecurities.

As the saying goes:

The biggest mistake we can make is to compare our own insides with another’s outsides.

We ALL doubt ourselves from time to time. No one is flawless and as long as we are living and breathing, we all generally seek to evolve and grow beyond our present state. This is life’s innate beauty – it’s strange and imperfect, and somehow incredibly endearing.

Knowing this, Deida’s notion of “spiritual practice” can be a very liberating tool as we allow ourselves to share in the humour of our varied forms – as we are.

Here, the trick to relating with one another is not to untangle one’s self completely. But rather, to find a way to project the knowing I am light through every cell of one’s own contorted shape as a gentle invitation from one human being to another.  This is a particularly useful practice during those moments where one may not feel so strong, interesting or beautiful

It’s kind of like psychically saying “Okay, I’m not perfect, and chances are you aren’t either, but despite my flaws, I am also fucking brilliant and I got a lotta love to give – do you want some?”

I am incredibly curious about this kind of “energetic yoga” which I have found to be so mysteriously effective in attracting – not just the opposite sex, but new friends, mentors and experiences.

Know this, there is beauty in dysfunction and attraction in acceptance.

Passion by =lucid-light

I’ve been falling in love with the cosmic teachings of David Deida all over again. If you’re not familiar with his work as the shaman of romance, then get familiar here.

One message that particularly sticks out in my mind is his metaphor of the human condition using the analogy of a stained-glass window. Here, Deida describes the differences between therapy, yoga and spiritual practice.

Allow me to walk you through it.

Imagine that you are a stained glass window, and as you come into consciousness, you look down upon yourself as you try to determine what you really are.

Now, unfortunately from this limited perspective, you can’t see the whole beauty of your form. Instead you find yourself focusing on all of the mismatched shards of glass – some with cracks and gaping wholes. As you examine yourself you come to the conclusion “oh-no! I’m broken…” and with this realization, the ego leads you to believe that you need this or that to be better, whole and complete.

This is the definition of therapy, where we look at ourselves critically with a view to “replace the glass” by learning the psychological skills needed to better function in our society. Of course, therapy is a completely valid viewpoint and an important journey to take as we each endeavor to evolve and grow into the highest expression of our human potential. However, it is also important to remember that this is not the whole picture, nor the ultimate solution to one’s suffering.

In contrast, yoga is more like “wiping the dust off the glass”. It is an art form. [And how often does great art arise form the twisted and chaotic?] Rather than seeking to fix the parts of you that are “broken”, yoga demonstrates how to move energy through form, so that we may flow with life more easily. In truth, one can be entirely dysfunctional psychologically, and still do good yoga (and many yogis are).

Finally, spiritual practice can be summarized as realizing that you are both the stained glass window AND the light that shines through it. In these moments of enlightenment there is very little motivation to “fix” yourself. One can be contorted, broken, blocked and flawed and still realize that they are essentially light – and that is a humbling notion.

This third point of view is an incredibly powerful tool, as it allows us to stop putting life on hold, hiding behind the excuses of “I’m not ready yet” or “once I have this, I will be enough”.

As we learn to identify with the bigger picture – embracing the full glory of our being, flaws ‘n’ all, we can begin to live the life we have always dreamed of NOW, whilst simultaneously embarking upon our therapeutic journey.

How to be humble? As a musician and an artist I’ve been exploring how to perform my art in a way that allows me to fully self-express my work from a position of humility. Here are my observations on the journey…

To be humble is to do your best with a smile.

It’s to make yourself vulnerable as you share yourself with another.

It’s to share your art without holding back.

I hope you’ve witnessed a truly humble performance in your lifetime. The way it pulls at your heartstrings and invites you to melt into the present, knowing that this is it – the divine manifesting – right here, right NOW.

That is how I feel when I witness my favorite artists performing anyway.

Regardless, somehow I had adopted the twisted idea that being humble was more about being modest. That is, in the deluded sense that I should “dim my light”.

Don’t you be too good, clever or impressive now – you’ll make other people uncomfortable… seemed to be the implicit message.

It took me a while to figure it out, but I’ve decided that being humble is actually about shining your light REALLY bright. Full power. Burn baby burn.

After all, it is by being comfortable with oneself and our talents as individuals, that we are able to give others permission to develop their own talents and shine.

None of that “But who am I to be so shiny?” bullshit.

Whatever your talent, it is your gift to the world, and consequently, your responsibility to share it fully with others, as a reminder of the inherent divinity that lies within all of us.

Fear might try and restrain you, sure, but experience will tell you that fear is a liar with a convincing tongue.

What is it that holds us back from claiming our own personal power; from being the best version of ourselves we possibly could be?

If you are anything like me, you’ve probably found yourself tugging at the skirt of your ultimate-self-vision with frustration every once in a while. Habits seem too stubborn; addictions too intoxicating. Match that with some underlying beliefs of unworthiness, and you’ll be forever tugging at that skirt.

But lets examine the situation a little more closely; as while the transformation into the highest expression of our self, might seem daunting, we all live with the hope that it is possible. And it is possible. You’ve seen yourself change for the better before; you’ve seen others change for the better before. Change is always possible, so the question remains: what holds us back?

A large part of the human story is this idea that “humanity is flawed”. That humans are incompetent in handling power. That we are not worthy, nor good enough to deal with the responsibilities that power entails.

This message has been perpetuated throughout our culture for thousands of years, through centuries of mythology. You needn’t look hard for examples – Adam and Eve’s original sin – Man’s “fall from grace” is perhaps the most prominent evidence of this brainwashing in action. This has led to a deeply embedded sub-conscious fear of power – reinforced by an insecurity of unworthiness.

Yet, we continue to seek our power; in fact we crave it because it is our birthright. Were you not born to rein over your own body, inspiring it to express your highest vision of self?

In light of this, it seems that whenever we get close to the edge of our own personal power, it scares the shit out of us, and so we run, putting as much space between it and ourselves as possible.

The mere idea that we could change instantaneously puts us up there with “the gods” and though our western culture might appear to contradict this theory as our governments struggles to own this god-like power, we perceive the responsibilities of “gods” as far too much for ourselves to handle. “Humanity is flawed after all,” whispers mother culture, and so, we fall back into old habits, sub-consciously self-sabotaging our dreams, trying less than our best in order to fit in and save face.

The truth is, we are powerful expressions of the divine. After all, were we not made in the image of the divine creator? All it takes to be who we want to be is a change of mind. Yet, this personal power is scary, because with the capacity to change our minds at will, we become unstoppable as we move through the flow of life, learning and transforming ourselves for the better.

Unfortunately, because we don’t trust ourselves with power (and we certainly don’t trust others of our kind with it) our subconscious will do anything to keep us from changing quickly and sustainably. And so the cycle begins, where we bring ourselves down to the level of those around us – for fear of becoming a prosecuted scapegoat (like Jesus). We also pull others around us down with our lack of confidence in their ability to handle power responsibly.

Considering how many times I have been disappointed by examples of humans who have used power irresponsibly, I will admit that this isn’t a completely unwarranted fear. However, it is important to distinguish that these painful cases are ALWAYS instances where humans have attempted to claim power over others. This is the power of domination that dominates our culture as leaders attempt to enforce their vision and their unique perspective onto others.

This never works, of course, as the point of being human is to experience a unique perspective and to make choices related to one’s own individual paradigm. There is no such thing as an answer that is fitting for all, which is why it is so important that we learn to govern ourselves with confidence and dedication in using our bodies to express ourselves authentically. After all, do you not trust yourself to be the captain of your own soul?

So let me be clear, when I talk about “claiming your own personal power”, I’m actually talking about embracing domination’s better looking sister – the power of dominion (power with others).

While the power of domination thrives on the concept of limitation; that “the more I have, the less you get”, the power of dominion, celebrates the power we have when we step up to the challenge of expressing ourselves in all our glory. This is the power that allows us to inspire one another to live a life of liberated authenticity. This is the power that allows you to not only touch your dreams, but experience them in reality. This is the power that generates sustainable success.

So I’m practicing embracing it without fear; to make the choice to change my mind and kick the habits that keep me from expressing who I really am.

And so I remind myself to stop trying - instead, to choose something and be it.

My body is a blank canvas.

Language is the paint and my mind is the artist.

Animals, plants and objects may be art but language is not their medium.

They are more like sculptures, as my words have no effect on them.

In contrast, language has the power to influence my own form dramatically.

I am who I think I am (or perhaps even more accurately at times, who I fear I am) as my words and actions manifest my thoughts.

In lieu of this, I’ve been thinking about how my own self-doubt is the only thing that separates me from those who I feel inferior to, or inspired by.

Sadly, I tend to augment my own self-doubt with the language I use to define my perspective.

It has been said that life mimics art just as art mimics life. In every moment, conscious or dreaming, we’re telling ourselves a story, and the stories we tell ourselves develop our character. In short, we’re writing our reality and it all starts with the language we use.

Delving a little deeper, I’ve observed how commonly we refer to ourselves in the third person when speaking of our own thoughts and feelings (I’m doing it right now in fact).

It’s a curious thing…

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), psychologists explain the importance of using “I statements” when expressing oneself. That is, using I instead of we. For example, I should say: “I’ve observed how I commonly refer to myself in the third person when speaking of my own thoughts and feelings”.

I statements force the speaker to take responsibility for their own perspective rather than attempting to suppress and disguise it as a collective issue or agreement. This negligence of responsibility inhibits real change in the name of fearless self-development as we program ourselves to think that our issues are not really ours (when they are). After all, change starts with the individual.

Granted, there are collective issues and agreements that pervade our reality, where it is entirely acceptable to speak in third. However, let us consider how speaking in third person limits the human experience.

When I take responsibility for myself through conscious speech (using I statements) I liberate my being as I validate my own personal point of view. In contrast, when speaking in third person, I neglect to own my thoughts and feelings, sending the sub-conscious message that its not really my problem, and, more destructively, that I do not have the right to feel these things as an individual.

Using I statements also prevents the speaker from imposing their reality on to the listener. I’m sure you’ve heard people describing their own unique experiences with travel, yoga, skydiving, Entheogens, or whatever else, as if their experience was definitive. They might say: “You’ll love it, it’s so amazing, when you get there, this happens and then this happens and it feels like this…” etc.

This is my issue with religious fanatics as texts such as the Bible are really just stories of other people’s experiences with source. By passing them on with the seriousness that we do, we prevent one another from being present and experiencing our own sacred stories of life, source and reality.

Sure there is truth and wisdom in each story – but rather than taking them on as gospel, its important to recognise that there is no definitive guide to life’s mystery outside of one’s own mind.

Personally, I think story telling is a good, natural and beautiful aspect of being human. However, to be responsible speakers and storytellers we need to be clear (for our own sake and others) that our personal experiences are uniquely ours. We may find others who have similar experiences, but that is still no cause to attempt to portray them as a definitive example of what it means to be alive and kicking.

Now, I realise I am being somewhat hypocritical with the tense I have written part of this article in. Granted, third person is a hard habit to break and I am still exploring how to incorporate it into my writing. However, “babies learn to crawl before they learn to walk” and so I am still working on it as I invite you to join me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the wisdom of trees lately. My experiences in working with Ayahuasca only confirmed my long-time suspicion that within each plant lies a sentient being.

To me, they represent one of the purest states of consciousness, remaining so still and open energetically, as if in a constant state of zen meditation.

In a previous post I used the metaphor of an apple tree as being the epitome of unconditional love. It bears it’s fruit so generously without expectation or concern for who or how it is consumed.

Recently I was standing at the edge of a forest, admiring nature’s wild beauty when four colourful parrots flew over my head and landed in a nearby tree. They were gorgeous creatures of red and blue feathers and I considered how cool it would be to have them come to me. I stood there meditating, connecting with them for a few moments, setting my intention. When the time was right, they flew toward me, but all I could do was flinch, duck and laugh at myself.

I can only begin to imagine what it would be like to be as energetically open as a tree.

One of the many lessons nature has taught me along my journey is that one of the keys to life is to make others feel welcome – particularly through sharing.

Tarot talks about the wisdom of being the fool – to be open and open and still open to life, no matter the potential for pain and suffering. This allows one to maintain the innocence and fearless enchantment of a child.

In my mind, trees demonstrate this beautifully as the forest shares everything – it is open and open and still open like a fool. Friend or foe, a plant does not show any fear – whether its approached by a tree-hugging hippy, or a ferocious chainsaw. It stands before both, radiating isness as if to say simply: “I am, until I am not.”

At times we might fear the dangers of the outside world, but despite it all, trees stand strong and tend to live long. Their resilience to the fear mentality that imbues our human condition inspires me, reminding me of the world I knew in my younger days, where fear was no thing and the possibilities of what I could do and create with my life were limitless.

…

A friend of mine once pointed out to me, “you know all they want is your appreciation” and so I make a point to give it to them. They give us so much after all – food, shade, oxygen, and if you are willing to listen (as they whisper ever so softly) wisdom.