LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

As I sit to revise my french I feel anxious as I know I have fallen behind. In a feeble attempt to procrastinate, my ego offers me food.

Food to stop me feeling the truth of this moment.

Food to distract me.

Food to take me away from this reality; if only temporarily.

Not today ego. I see through your “comforting” offers. I  know now that by taking you up on the offer I am only inhibiting my own personal growth; procrastinating.

I want to grow. I want to be present in my existence. I want to feel what life feels like even if it means being with pain, experiencing anxiety or “failing” as I try something new. These are the compliments of day to day living. And I know that if I turn to substances to numb out, eventually I will burn out as I have so many times before; wondering what is the point if there are no challenges? What is the point of trying if everything is okay no matter what I do?

The challenges that make life interesting are warped when I hide behind food – as I use it to silence my thoughts; my emotions; how I am truly feeling in my body. This behavior is the manifestation of my ego acting in fear as I look forward to change…to development…to freedom from the ego’s grasp. Scared little child!

Everything is okay. In fact the world is perfect as it is.

But sometimes we need to buy into the illusion that it is not – to feel a sense of risk which in turn gives birth to excitement and opportunity. Without it, one may find themselves helplessly entwined in the drama of their own mind. A self-created darkness suddenly is present in an effort to re-balance the safe and chaos-free, boring world they have attempted to control through hiding behind obsessions and addictions.

I remember when I was a kid, my dad telling me the truth:

“You always have a choice” he said.

At the time I protested. I saw the fact that our actions have consequences and that “sometimes those consequences can be so ugly that it’s best to avoid them” as a not-choice.

My father and I argued about this for a little while; I just didn’t get it.

But now I do:

We always have many choices. Not all are so obvious.

Sometimes we are afraid of what staying true to ourselves – being authentic – will mean.

But narrowing down one’s possibilities – due to the prediction of an ugly outcome - is a choice too.

It’s okay, and perfectly reasonable to  back away from some possible choices, but we should also recognize that our minds are programmed to automatically narrow down our options to make decisions easier. This is both a gift and a curse; something to keep in mind when you are faced with making an important decision.

Sometimes it is important to explore these ‘not-choices’ a little more closely…other times it is not necessary. But either way, it’s good to be aware.

And even in situations where your options are narrowed – when you feel out of control or cornered and obliged into doing a particular thing – you still have a choice.

However, the choice is not always as simple as to-do-or-not-to-do.

Rather, the key to your happiness shifts from

what you do

to

how you think of what you do.

This quote sums it up nicely:

“Suffering is a matter of choice. I think that we do not have to suffer anything in this life…

[Even in jail] I was still free.

Free to hate the men who were torturing me,

or to forgive them…

And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.”

- Shantaram, by Gregory David Roberts

Note to self:

Please don’t justify.

Each time you do you only limit your future options as you train yourself away from your instincts – believing that “just because” is not a good enough reason to follow your heart.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

– Oriah Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation

Had an interesting conversation with some friends over the weekend…

We explored my philosophy that one never has to “be” or “do” anything.

They posed the question “do we not all have a responsibility to Gaea and all her earthlings to live sustainably and do the right thing?”

It was a very interesting point to make, and it’s been on my mind since. This is the present conclusion I have come to – keeping in mind that I’m still growing and learning myself…

Yes, we do have a responsibility to Gaea – to respect the earth and live sustainably – but I notice that we also have the freedom to choose not to.

Thus “we don’t have to be or do anything”.

And those who choose not to, provide the contrast in our lives which allow us to appreciate our favourite experiences all the more.

For this reason, I don’t believe in “right” or “wrong” – our morals are subjective and shaped by our own filter of personal experiences.

People act based on what they think is “right”, the “wrong” is just a disagreement with another’s morals. Besides, while our goals may draw some similarities, you can not judge another, for you have no way of understanding what it is they are trying to accomplish.

However, back to this whole question of responsibility: I think the hallmark of a highly evolved being is their ability to recognize the consequences of cause and effect and act in a way that is mindful of the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is that we are all interconnected and essentially one living system. In light of this a ‘highly evolved being’ realizes that mistreating the earth, or their fellow (wo)man will not serve well for them. And so they live reflecting this choice, mindful of their role in it all, choosing their path and walking forward with the awareness that each step has meaning.

Needless to say it was an interesting talk – certainly something I had not pondered much before…

And so, I’ll finish up with this favourite quote:

Choose something and then be it.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free

– Janet Rand

It’s spending money on memories, not on material objects, without a second thought.

It’s coming down from the night before with no regrets.

It’s running naked and having no shame, no insecurities – and not because you know you waxed, tanned and pampered yourself the night before vainly trying to emulate the sense of ‘perfection’ the beauty industry pushes onto us.

It’s understanding the difference between fear and love and knowing that you loving someone is enough & not being fearful as to weather or not they love you back.

It’s seeing sex for what it is – self expression. There is no need for guilt, worry or regret.

It’s laughing at yourself and all the stupid ‘errors’ of your past, but, enjoying the experience of it all nonetheless.

It’s choosing what happens next, creating every moment, consciously, and relishing the results.

It’s enjoying the consequences of your actions, having no expectations and therefore choosing never to be disappointed.

It’s saying ‘I am’, ‘I will’, ‘I can’ and ‘I desire’ [rather than 'I should' ‘I want’ or 'oneday...'], and knowing your word to be truth.

It’s doing, changing, pursuing, things because you want to and not for anybody else.

It’s knowing that this is heaven.

It’s understanding that the world is just an illusion, and that it is perfectly okay to milk it for all the pleasure it provides and taking up all opportunity it gives birth to.  Money, power and happiness are not bad.

It’s understanding the importance of quality not quantity, understanding that more is not always better.

It’s speaking your truth quietly but clearly.

It’s following your dreams with no fear.

It’s believing in what you sell.

It’s never judging, but observing, keeping an open mind and seeking to understand why another has a different preference to yours.

It’s enjoying the journey as much as the destination.

It’s accepting the truth, not even trying to justify your actions -  just knowing that you are what you are and what you are is magnificent.

1. Stop saying “just”. Value yourself and your experiences. You are more than ‘just a secretary’ or ‘just a student’. You are incredible and have the potential to be and do anything. Believe in yourself. You deserve it.
2. Use adjectives sparingly (sometimes they get in the way of the truth).
3. Understand that you don’t have to ‘do’ or ‘be’ anything. You have complete freedom and complete responsibility for your own experience. What do you want? Chase it with passion. Be relentless. Be liberated.
4. If it feels right at the time, then it’s fine. Life is meant to be lived. There is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to live it. But consider what you want on all three dimensions – mind, body and soul.
5. Recognize the creative powerful being that you are and own it. Heck, you can manifest the weather!
6. Nothing matters. Laugh.
7. You are everything – the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. The aim is to choose the most magnificent aspects on offer and make them a part of your reality – that is the highest choice.
8. Learn to say “No”. “Maybe later” is not the same. You are not being respectful of yourself or others when you neglect to say “No” firmly when you mean to. Learn to say it charmingly. Learn to be comfortable with it.
9. Speak to and treat others as equal souls, for they too are human like you.
10. Be honest.

Greece was it. A place of life. Real life. Where you go to connect with it; the freedom, the energy that drives you.

It taught me to follow my heart and my instincts and to satisfy my urges unashamedly. From skinny dipping (absolutely naked) to finding passion with another soul, I was liberated. Away from all the judging eyes of people who think they know you.

They know nothing really.

A home is protected – governed by society. There are expectations. There is order.

I want havoc. I want uncertainty. I want to understand my ability to choose. Not feel I should do what others think is best for me – they have no idea.

This is my life and I intend to make the most of it. Reality is what you choose to remember; your life as you decide it to be. Fact.

I’m young, I’m restless and unashamedly relentless. The world is mine. Just as it is yours. But do you have it in you to explore it on you own? To push the limits of your being and realize your full potential?

Act now, apologize later.

I’M GOING TO SUCK THIS OYSTER DRY.

Family, remember that I love you and I am so grateful for all that you have given me.

Reader, you may take me as you wish. I am a bird. I am free. At the end of the day if there is one think that I have learnt about life, it is this:

EVERYTHING IS NOTHING. EVERYTHING IS REPLACEABLE. NOTHING REALLY MATTERS, SO GO YOUR HARDEST!

Yes really, every time.