LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

“What’s wrong?” I asked the body.

“No one listens to me…you don’t listen to me…you just go ahead and make decisions, like you think you know what’s best.”

“That’s not true.”

“Can you feel me now? Can you feel what I feel? I feel sick. And so we feel sick. And I tried to warn you; I tried to tell you to stop eating; that I’d had enough; that more would be too much to handle. But you just listened to the mind who said: more is better, more is good, and god this tastes amazing! But the mind is deluded. It doesn’t know how to feel. It gets distracted. It’s been conditioned. It doesn’t understand.”

“Come now, I’m sorry…”

“And then when I want more of something you listen to the mind again. Your exercising and I feel great. But the mind is bored. The ego is afraid; it doesn’t want to be silenced by the heart beating ecstatically in our chest. It doesn’t want it’s thoughts being pushed to the side as you surrender to existence; feeling the breath, flow through our lungs; feeling the blood rush through our veins. And so it says enough. I tried, and now lets stop. It tells you I’m not strong enough. And so you give up; afraid to go into the unknown. Little do you know I was just beginning to enjoy myself.”

“Look I’m really sorry…Can I make this up to you? What can I give you? Do you want food? Water? Do you want to rest?”

“No. You’re still not getting it. I want nothing. I need nothing. Except for you to check in with me from time to time; to listen to me at least as much as you listen to your mind; if not more…I watch you, day after day, walking aimlessly around, trying to find God; trying to experience enlightenment. But you can’t because you aren’t prepared to allow yourself to feel; to be with discomfort. Your mind – bless it’s chemistry – is too focused on finding remedies; “solutions” to the so called challenges of feeling. It’s a game the universe is playing with you; guarding its best kept secrets behind the façade of illusions…distractions to make you forget. I live in that world; where everything is beautiful and everything is right. But what is wrong is that you aren’t here to share that with me.”

“I want to be with you.”

My body laughed. “Oh it will take some time. But I would like that very much.”

“Okay, so how do I…?”

“Stop trying. Stop living by certain “rules”.  Just allow yourself to feel fully and act in alignment with those feelings. That’s all you need. Don’t listen to the mind and don’t think. Don’t judge and don’t try to change things. By all means gravitate towards that which makes you feel good, but try and stay aware of temptation; aware of distractions that lead you away from that which you seek so desperately; aware of your fear that invites those distractions. In other words, learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

We sat in silence for a few moments. I didn’t know what to do.  I sat for a while. I waited. I even meditated – or well I tried. But the truth is I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what I feel… Maybe I should go and read a book... My mind said. Unconsciously, I made  a move.

“And that was all I allowed myself,” my body sadly sighed.

Life is 10% “what happens to you” and 90% how you react to it.

- unknown

Q: Who am I?

A: Who cares?

I’ve recently been learning that no matter the conditions I still have the ability – the choice – to feel good about myself…and about life. The hard part, however, is often finding one’s way through all the darkness…and letting go of the illusionsof the external world; the illusions that at times we should fee bad for ourselves…hate ourselves…punish ourselves…

Not true.

If I can find a moment, maybe once a week, to go outside and stare up at the vast night’s sky, I can’t help but feel love for this existence. Just the fact that our hearts are beating and our lungs are breathing; that we are free and alive, with the potential to experience such an array of sensations, feelings and events, is enough to fill a heat with gratitude.

“Of this I am certain: something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are. Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don’t know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it, but I know what it feels like: It feels like relief. It feels like infinite good-ness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every hearstopping beauty, every haunting melody you’ve ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, compassion, joy, peace. Like love itself. And in the moment you feel you recognize that you are it and that you’ve been here all along, waiting for your return.

When you forget, which you always do, you suddenly understand that kindness to anyone – a plant, an animal, a stranger, a partner – brings you closer to this. That taking care of your body is taking care of this. That taking care of the earth is taking car of this. And that you’d turn away from anything or anyone that asked you to leave this because this is what you’ve wanted, this is what you’ve longed for, this is what you’ve loved for eons.

You know without knowing how you know that every step you’ve ever taken, every person you’ve ever loved, every task you’ve ever accomplished has been This meeting This. You returning to yourself. And that hell is nothing more than leaving this. Heaven is already here on earth.”

- From Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth

“The biggest mistake one could ever make, is to judge their insides by another’s outsides”.

- Anonymous

Here’s a little history, of a bigger mystery
I have written this story into my song
If it isn’t what your used to
Then I hope it will allow you
Maybe if you choose to then you’ll sing along

I am as old as the universe
I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again
I am a child of the universe
A part of all women, and a part of all men

Once upon a sometime, and once upon a somehow
And once upon a somewhere, There was a big bang
Energy revolving, energy dissolving,
Eneryg evolving, and that is what I am.

I am not a somebody, I am not a nobody,
I am a celled one body filling this space.
All I ever could be, and all I ever would be,
and all I ever will be is here in this place.

I am but a flower, who blossoms in a hour,
and in me there’s a power that goes on and on.
Power in the roots of me, power in the shoots of me,
power in the fruit that will pass my seed on.

I am as old as the universe
I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again
I am a child of the universe
A part of all women, and a part of all men

– Rainbow Child Lyrics by Unknown

P.S. ConFest was amazing…I do recommend!

Going through my notes from the temple, I was struck with a deeper understanding of the fear I was confronted with during my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I remember the profound déjà vu, and how I was disappointed with the realization that I was all there is. I felt alone despite all of the parts of me that I had created on this earth in order to address this sadness.

I felt my loneliness echoing around me, bouncing off the harsh truth of what it means to be absolutely everything; the reality that illusions are, at the end of the day, just illusions. This was the birth of the purest desire to create separation, others, playmates, a distraction from this lonely hell. And while we, The Source enjoy our self as we exert our creativity in the formation of this universe, there is still loneliness at the end of the day.

We, God, are an island, surrounded by no-thing-ness; a blank canvas for creation. An orphan.

Alone we play all the parts, creating the illusions of others, orchestrating the story of humanity like a child creates their own world as they play with their dolls, producing a range of characters and drama. And we are addicted to this insignificant game of life, the amusement it provides and the satisfaction we get from experiencing the spectrum of all life has to offer.

At this realisation, I laughed at myself for wanting or expecting to ‘get somewhere’ or to attain enlightenment through rigorous spiritual practice, because in this omnipresent state it was clear to me that living as a human was much more exciting than the world beyond. [I note that there are some very beautiful places to visit beyond ‘reality’ and that spiritual practice can be very fulfilling when done from a place of enjoyment rather than duty, guilt or obligation, however, it is our human perspective and the contrast of our earthly lives that makes these other worlds so alluring in the first place.]

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* I use the word God here as spiritual shorthand to describe life, love, the source, the universe, existence, the soul or whatever else you believe in.

Perhaps true unconditional love is the ability to love oneself (or another) despite – not because of – one’s blessings.

Without the things you love about yourself, who would you be?

To the same extent, without your failures who would you be?

What does it mean to love someone despite their blessings?

To not take into account “why” you love them?

To love for no reason?

To not-love?

Notes to self:

Stop trying to impress yourself.

Okay is what you are.

See how you are trying to win the love of your higher self through creating a particular image of “who” you are?

This is the core of the ego.

And yet your higher-self, the one you seek to please, is the observer, smiling down at you with love no matter what you choose to do as you experience the human condition – man’s search for  meaning, for reason, for acceptance.

You have nothing to prove.

My truth is simple; I am alive.

Expand. That is the word that has been haunting my mind these past few weeks, reminding me to stay conscious in my interactions with others – especially when they test my limits.

This simple word forces me to recognise the truth in that I always have two choices – to expand or contract. Recognizing this, I am enjoying the opportunities life is presenting me with to expand and become a bigger and better person. Disappointment, frustration, sadness and dislike are all beautiful opportunities to experience this and with the concept of expansion in mind I welcome them.

A few days ago I wasn’t in the best of moods and was choosing to be frustrated by things far too easily. Blinded by this, I said something a little out of line to a friend. He replied painfully simply “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

I instantly felt shame crawling down the back of my neck and distracted myself for a moment by looking the other way and questioning morality… I was choosing to feel bad for my actions. Why?

Because morality  is how we define and uphold our values. I allowed myself to feel guilty for this because I value making others feel good and reminding them of who they are. In this instance however I had made another feel small. At his words reminding me of my mistake I was faced with only expansion or withdrawal.

In the end I chose to expand, inspired by his simple reminder that cruel is not who I am.