LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

You can read Part One here.

Today I find myself back in Cusco, sitting in the sun talking of loneliness with a timeless friend. If there is one thing I have discovered about myself through travel, is that I am not the lone wolf I once believed myself to be. Yes I love my independence and would never seek to have a relationship based upon dependency, however taking a very literal leaf out of a good friends book, I’ve found great value in following the trail of loveliness, walking the road with only the most beautiful people that grace my reality. I flow with those who make me feel good and feel blessed to find kin so easily. Community is key for me these days and I am delighted to watch it develop around me wherever I go. There is only love here, and so much love, at that.

Where in the past I  have valued solitude, these days I am all too aware that it is not the places I visit, but rather, the company I keep, that brings satisfaction in my life.

I am also learning to give and give and give and give, for as I give, I create space for me to receive more and more and more and it is the transience of these gifts that grace my reality which really excites me. And people are such divine gifts, for we can only go so far within ourselves, by ourselves. I believe it is the contrast of an alternative reference point that really allows one to grow. I see my connections manifesting perfectly as I become the medicine for those around me just as they become the medicine for my own personal development. Sometimes this comes in the form of a challenge – an invitation to transcend old programming as our interactions highlight egoic attachments that it is time for me to let go of . Other times, this human medicine is in the comfort of another’s arms and as they lend their ears and mind.

As I wonder through this hall of mirrors, I also become a gift to others through our interactions, naturally providing what is needed for them to grow. In turn, I have met shiny, shiny beings who live up to Marianne William’s manifesto. They remind me to be myself without fear as everywhere is a safe place to express myself. The implicit message is, a universal truth… if you are okay with every aspect of you, then the rest of the world will be too.

They say the jungle is not feared by the saint; that pure thoughts keep one safe from harm. If this is true, it must be the same in these cities which sometimes feel colder than they really are. I am learning to accept that I don’t have a dirty mind, that my intentions are always pure and how blessed are the amoral. Everything I do is okay. Adulthood is a myth. My choices are right and there is no need to doubt myself or suppress my desires and dreams as everything I could need or want is here for me. All I have to do is trust and it is given.

Sitting in the sun, we went on to discuss loneliness as a state of being vs. an emotion. One thing I have been really learning to do is letting emotions flow through me like food and water. I believe sadness and loneliness to be fleeting emotions, rather than lasting states of consciousness. That is, unless I allow my ego to engage in their illusions. Its become a yogic practice for me to consciously not attach to such emotions, knowing how the Ego loves to personalize emotions and create attachments through stories. I want to stress that this doesn’t mean suppressing emotions like sadness and loneliness. Rather its about giving myself the space to feel these things, without justifying them with a story.

Looking back, I can see patterns in my past where I actually believed that holding on to pain and sadness was worthwhile. Like it gave me a place in a twisted world focused on pleasure, pain, loss and gain. I wore my pain like a badge of honour, as if I had “earned my stripes” to be here. As if I needed this pain and sadness to fit into a world of lost souls. These days I choose to see things differently. I notice how more often than not my mood is affected by my environment. It’s not so personal. When I  am aware of the stories my mind likes to create to make my emotional state relevant to reality, I can detatch from the emotions that I do not enjoy and allow them to fall away like water off a ducks back.

Saying that, I can also recognize the beauty of contrasting emotions and the important role they play in allowing me to appreciate the good times, which is why I am prepared to feel them fully from time to time. Lying on my back, my eyes to the sky, I can let everything be as it is, with gratitude as I recognize that I am still alive and breathing. It is moments like this that I am able to tap into amazing states of interconnectedness, where I feel that no matter what becomes of this physical body, I will never dissapear.

Sometimes I wonder how sustainable this lifestyle is and how I can make it easier and more wonderful for myself. I have my doubts from time to time but it is these profoundly familiar moments I share with once-upon-a-time strangers that reminds me that this is what I want. A life of moments like this, where I feel at home with new friends, as if we have always been together, we are meant to be together, and the spontaneity of our interactions were always preordained.

So I am in South America, trying my best to get a grasp on the Spanish language and a little girl starts talking to me. After using up my limited stash of words with a little small talk, I ask my friend “How do I say I don’t know in Spanish?”

“Why do you want to say that?”

“In response to her…I don’t know what she’s saying…” I justify.

“You can say I don’t understand, but to say you don’t know isn’t actually true…”

“What do you mean?” I pushed.

“People love to say I’m sorry and I don’t know… they use these words as a crutch,” he pointed out to me. “It’s extremely devaluing of yourself because even though you may not mean it, every word you speak has power.”

This got me thinking a bit more about language and suddenly I am all too aware of the words that slip out of my mouth which essentially disrespect my self.

Curious, I decided to explore further some of the common phrases English speaking cultures use, which essentially limit us from recognizing ourselves as amazingly capable creatures.

After all, language is not only an expression of our inner world, but it also acts as our primary filter of our experiences. It shapes our thought processes and is an essential tool in understanding how a culture, or individual, interprets and relates to what we call “reality”. Fundamentally, the spells we weave with our words have a profound relationship to personal empowerment.

Perhaps the most common phrase I tend to misuse is “I’m sorry.”

But, am I? Really? Why?

Sorry is a very powerful word that has been engrained in my subconscious mind since childhood indicating that I have “done wrong” and sincerely regret. Knowing the subtle power of the subconscious mind I’ve come to realize that in saying “I’m sorry” without reason, I am polluting my internal space with the idea that I am “not good”.

Yet, these words escape my mouth too often over trivial matters. Like, when I accidently brush shoulders with a stranger. I’ve since decided that I really want to say in such cases is, thank you or Aloha – a cheerful hello to my fellow life-walker (and no, I don’t care if they think that I’m strange).

Another example is when I find myself beginning an email with Sorry about the delayed response… The question is, why? Am I just saying it to sound good? Who am I trying to please? It’s important to recognize that in doing this, I program myself to feel even guiltier whenever I do not respond to emails immediately… After all, the internet is great, but I have a life offline too!

In other cases, for instance, when I get caught deliberately breaking a rule that I genuinely have no respect for (e.g. lying in the grass in a park, despite the “prohibito” picket to my right… but sir, the grass was practically screaming to be loved…).

Here, I feel that excuse me, pardon me or forgive me is a far more accurate expression of my being. By using these phrases with intention, I can acknowledge the fact that I am doing nothing wrong so long as my actions are in accordance with my own morals. While I know this now, I notice that sometimes I still suffer often from the sense that an apology is in order.

This need to apologise, when no real harm has occurred seems to me to be a conditioned cultural illusion that encourages us to seek confirmation of our choices. Alternatively, by saying “excuse me” I am able to extend an invitation to the offended, so that in “forgiving me” they may share a more functional relationship with me.

Of course, sometimes a real apology is in order, which is why I want to keep “sorry” sacred and honest. I particularly adore the Spanish way of apologizing with the phrase lo siento (which translates to “I feel it”). I love this because it encapsulates a richer awareness of our collective interconnectedness – recognizing that when real harm is done, the wound is felt by all involved.