LESS EGO / MORE SOUL

I’ve been thinking a lot about the wisdom of trees lately. My experiences in working with Ayahuasca only confirmed my long-time suspicion that within each plant lies a sentient being.

To me, they represent one of the purest states of consciousness, remaining so still and open energetically, as if in a constant state of zen meditation.

In a previous post I used the metaphor of an apple tree as being the epitome of unconditional love. It bears it’s fruit so generously without expectation or concern for who or how it is consumed.

Recently I was standing at the edge of a forest, admiring nature’s wild beauty when four colourful parrots flew over my head and landed in a nearby tree. They were gorgeous creatures of red and blue feathers and I considered how cool it would be to have them come to me. I stood there meditating, connecting with them for a few moments, setting my intention. When the time was right, they flew toward me, but all I could do was flinch, duck and laugh at myself.

I can only begin to imagine what it would be like to be as energetically open as a tree.

One of the many lessons nature has taught me along my journey is that one of the keys to life is to make others feel welcome – particularly through sharing.

Tarot talks about the wisdom of being the fool – to be open and open and still open to life, no matter the potential for pain and suffering. This allows one to maintain the innocence and fearless enchantment of a child.

In my mind, trees demonstrate this beautifully as the forest shares everything – it is open and open and still open like a fool. Friend or foe, a plant does not show any fear – whether its approached by a tree-hugging hippy, or a ferocious chainsaw. It stands before both, radiating isness as if to say simply: “I am, until I am not.”

At times we might fear the dangers of the outside world, but despite it all, trees stand strong and tend to live long. Their resilience to the fear mentality that imbues our human condition inspires me, reminding me of the world I knew in my younger days, where fear was no thing and the possibilities of what I could do and create with my life were limitless.

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A friend of mine once pointed out to me, “you know all they want is your appreciation” and so I make a point to give it to them. They give us so much after all – food, shade, oxygen, and if you are willing to listen (as they whisper ever so softly) wisdom.

I say, personify and de-personify everything. For it is these boundaries of alienation that lead us to suffering as they limit us from accepting things as they are and fully understanding the interconnectedness that surrounds us.

For example: Forgiveness is a tool of the ego, allowing us to pacify our own self-entitlement. While societal conditioning might have us believe that it is an act of grace that we bestow upon others so generously, the truth is, our ability to forgive does not make us a “better” person. It makes us a more “functional” person as it cradles our wounded ego in the face of “offensive behaviour”.

If you kick your toe into a wall, do you feel the need to forgive the wall for the pain it has caused you?

If a wild animal eats some food you’ve left out in the open, do you feel the need to forgive the animal?

Some might feel this way, but most do not. Yet we tend to hold this expectation that another human’s transgressions against one’s own view of morality MUST be forgiven or else we cannot move on.

For this reason, I try not to see the world through the limited lens of “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “bad”.

In my worldview, we are all just wounded animals trying our best to get along and move on from the scars of our past. No one does anything that contradicts his or her own perception of what is right and good. However, all of us are programmed by past wounds to act as we do in order to avoid future suffering of the same kind.

Understand that fear, in one form or another inspires 100% of humanity’s “wrongdoings”.

In many ways life is just one big Ayahuasca ceremony – full of teachers and friends, confrontation and contrast, beauty and ugliness, fear and love, pleasure and pain.

A common saying in the Aya world is:

“Ayahuasca might not give you what you want, but she will always give you what you need”

I feel like this works just as well when we look at Life’s, often mysterious, unfolding.

These words remind us to let go of how we think things should be and surrender and explore ourselves based on what Life is offering us.

Often, it is at the point of surrender that we find ourselves pleasantly surprised. Otherwise we’re just swimming upstream, desperately attempting to cling to things as we fear the uncertainty that awaits. It’s exhausting, so I think I’d much rather let go and enjoy the ride.

But I have been learning and thinking a lot about what it means to “surrender” lately…

Firstly, that it’s not about doing nothing and just expecting life to take you somewhere nice. Nope. You do need to have some kind of clarity about what you wish to experience in life.

The art of surrender is to get good at making decisions and taking responsibility for the who, what and why of you, while letting go of the need to control the when, where and how.

Learn to do this comfortably, and you’ll find that Life is pretty good at orchestrating the latter for you.  And if you can just let go of your expectations of how you think things should be, you’ll find yourself laughing more and suffering less.

Secondly, it’s about opening your eyes and learning to recognize and interpret the messages and opportunities that surround us in every moment.

There’s an old joke about a man stuck in the rapids of a rushing river.

Arms flailing in a desperate attempt to keep his head above the water, he prays to God “please save me”.

Seconds later a log floats by. The man continues to thrash and pray. He sees the log, but decides not to grab a hold, trusting that God will save him.

Moments later, a boat comes by and invites him to jump aboard, but the man refuses any help, adamant that God will save him.

Just as the man begins to lose his energy, a hot babe rides by on a jetski and pulls up alongside inviting him to jump on. The man refuses stating “No thank you, I know God will save me.”

Eventually the man drowns and when he arrives in heaven, he asked God, annoyed, “Why didn’t you come and save me?”

“What do you mean?” God replies. “I sent you a log, a boat and a babe on a jetski!”

I’m learning to embrace anger – particularly in relationships.

During a sound healing at ConFest, I began to feel something foreign bubble up. It felt uncomfortable and icky.

Turns out, it was years of suppressed anger – the ancient resentment I’d hid within the depths of me as I’d somehow come to believe that such emotions were unworthy of expression.

This left me confused and shocked – I’d turned up to the sound healing to relax and to meditate. Where were these feelings coming from?

‘I’m not an angry person’ I told myself in my confusion. It wasn’t until some wise guy posed the question:

‘Really? Or is it that you don’t want to be an “angry person” because you don’t think that anger is a useful emotion?’

That stopped me in my tracks and flipped my world on its head.

‘Ooh…yeah. Maybe.’ I replied, albeit a little perplexed.

Since, I’ve been exploring the value of anger and how to express it in a healthy way.

Forgiveness is divine, yes. But to forgive fully, we must first acknowledge our anger.

I cringe at the thought of all those times I am guilty in suppressing my anger in the name of peace. I guess I hated the idea of being seen as ‘that angry bitch’.

But contrary to my own stereotype of what expressing anger looks like – it’s not about yelling, kicking, screaming or throwing a tantrum.

Rather,

It’s about feeling what you feel, without judgment.

It’s about asserting to others what you need from them (and rarely does someone get angry unreasonably).

And, it’s also about self-love: recognizing that you are worthy of more and rising above any fear of rejection – that the other will leave you for being less than compliant.

There is no excuse for other people’s bad behaviour and if we fail to express our pain, hurt, frustration or fury we fail to provide others with the feedback they need to grow.

When you express your anger in a healthy way, you’re essentially providing the other with insight – and, should they choose to listen, an opportunity for them to grow into a better person.

So embrace anger with passion. Declare your truth. Ask for what you need.

If you subscribe to the egoic view of life – that you are in control of your experience (rather than God or fate) – one must come to accept that they have created all their suffering and all their struggle. This then provokes the question: Why?

Well here’s the thing: I know that by anyone’s standards I lead a blessed life. I am lucky to live in such a beautiful country, in a beautiful home, with a family that loves me and a solid group of amazing friends. But who would I be if my ‘blessed’ external experiences were all that shaped me?

It is the struggle in my life that has led me to remember myself; who I am and what I came for; what I have and what I ache for.

Adversity is our strongest teacher. Many others have experienced physical adversity, leading them to grow and evolve. Many who were faced with external adversity also looked at me saying that I had it too easy.

Feeling dislocated, I unconsciously created pain and suffering for myself in order to fit in. But the divinity of the situation goes deeper than this. While at first it did just appear to grow from the desire to belong, I can now expand to see that it was also always about having the experiences I needed to push me to grow.

On that note, I know that many spiritual beliefs preach that suffering is unnecessary. And in a way it is unnecessary – as in, it’s a choice of perspective. But this does not mean that suffering is not an important part of the human experience. Rather, suffering offers a divine platform of self-realization– a challenge to which the accomplishment of passing through adversity provides the reward of remembering who we are and why we are here, which ultimately feels euphoric.

We see this reflected in the stories of many great leaders; that their ability to live a life of integrity and wisdom is often the result of their own encounters with adversity – external and internal. Because without the struggle there is no challenge; no risk; no game; no fun and no opportunity for expansion.

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An interview with Gabriel Collelo caught my eye recently – and not just because he is a good-looking nude.

In 2006, Collelo had a potentially fatal brush with death, suffering from an aneurysm at just 18. Post recovery and having just released his book An Exploration of Nudity, Collelo spoke with Oyster magazine, expressing his views on fear, love, death and nakedness in beautiful simplicity:

“Death has taught me that there is beauty in pain, life isn’t serious enough to be depressed, and there’s no education like adversity… Nothing matters, life is a beautiful thing — cherish it and experience yourself at your greatest, but…don’t take yourself too seriously. To me, nudity represents fearlessness. It’s like you’re at peace with the world and you’re so strong you don’t need armour. I’m really talking about the fearlessness and nakedness within your spirit. By making An Exploration of Nudity, I may get teased, I may get a pat on the back, or both. Either way, it’s all good and I love you.”

Reading his words, it’s pretty clear to me that this guy ‘gets life’ as is not afraid to practice what he preaches. It takes guts to put out a book like this, even if you have been a ‘mirror-basher’ since the age of seven and it’s inspiring to say the least.

I think nudity is a very curious subject in our society and that our current collective consciousness is quite unbalanced in it’s view of what nakedness represents. Either it is tarnished by taboo and sexual innuendo or suppressed with disgust or inappropriateness.

Like Collelo, I feel that nudity has the potential to be very healing and cleansing when embraced with pure intentions and directly relates back to the spirit, unconditional love and fostering a healthy relationship with ourselves.

‘Tell me about your experiences with Ayahuasca,’ I asked John, a volunteer at the temple.

‘Well, I guess the one that stands out in my mind today is when I met Pain.’

‘Tell me more,’ I encouraged.

‘Well, I was in ceremony when I saw a small, black figure looking rather downtrodden. He was about three feet tall, and shaped like a long, upright egg, with short legs and equally short arms that stuck out like little t-rex arms. He was really cute and I felt bad for him because he was clearly so sad – he had the look about him like a child that was left out on the playground.

I asked him what was the matter. He told me who he was. It turns out that he was this amazing teacher with so much to give and all he wanted to do was share his teachings with the world, but no one would listen to him – they would all just run away.

I told him we could be friends. “Can I come and visit you sometime?” Pain asks before I leave.
“Sure, anytime” I say without thinking, and then back tracked a little…”Well maybe not anyway time, but you can definitely come and visit again!”
I mean, he’s cute and all, but I’m not sure I want Pain in my life too often…’

The first step is to overcome one’s fear of death.

The second, to overcome one’s fear of pain.

The third, to overcome ones fear of love, and to embrace love fully.

The thing I feared most happened. Now I laugh; it’s not so bad.

As humans we fear as we seek to avoid pain and suffering.

But pain is a powerful teacher, and suffering is optional.

In any given moment, we are faced with multiple possibilities of interpreting the present situation.

No-one and no-thing has the power to make our lives “good” or “bad” and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

Expand. That is the word that has been haunting my mind these past few weeks, reminding me to stay conscious in my interactions with others – especially when they test my limits.

This simple word forces me to recognise the truth in that I always have two choices – to expand or contract. Recognizing this, I am enjoying the opportunities life is presenting me with to expand and become a bigger and better person. Disappointment, frustration, sadness and dislike are all beautiful opportunities to experience this and with the concept of expansion in mind I welcome them.

A few days ago I wasn’t in the best of moods and was choosing to be frustrated by things far too easily. Blinded by this, I said something a little out of line to a friend. He replied painfully simply “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

I instantly felt shame crawling down the back of my neck and distracted myself for a moment by looking the other way and questioning morality… I was choosing to feel bad for my actions. Why?

Because morality  is how we define and uphold our values. I allowed myself to feel guilty for this because I value making others feel good and reminding them of who they are. In this instance however I had made another feel small. At his words reminding me of my mistake I was faced with only expansion or withdrawal.

In the end I chose to expand, inspired by his simple reminder that cruel is not who I am.